Friendship Blog

QUESTION

I'm currently my best friend's maid of honor and the entire experience has been painful at best. I've been looking for some advice and support on how to deal with a friendship that's breaking apart due to a bride's behavior but the vast majority of blogs/websites focus on only bridesmaids ruining the wedding or friendship.

I've been friends with the bride for the past twenty years and over the past year of wedding planning, I am certain the friendship is over. In our circle of friends, everyone thought I would be the first to get married (I've been with my partner longer than she has, I’ve wanted to get married while she hasn't, and her proposal was a total surprise). I've put aside my feelings of jealousy and just been happy for my friend, but lately she's been complaining about how hard wedding planning is and it makes me feel like she is taking for granted something I would cherish.

She was never taught etiquette. She, her mother, and her sister are very "laid-back" people who don't care for social niceties. They have asked family and other wedding guests to bring the food; friends are paying for an open bar; they aren't inviting the officiant to the rehearsal because the bride “doesn't want her to say much." They have had one engagement party, a bachelorette weekend away, two bridal showers, and a stag and doe, and have a registry filled with high-priced items.  

At this point, I have paid more for this wedding than the bride and groom have! The mother-of-the-bride has hosted one bridal shower and the engagement party, and emailed invites to these events only days before hand to the bridal party. We all live in separate cities and has even confessed that she didn’t invite the bride's man (a male bridesmaid) until the day before because she doesn't really want him there.

The bride had originally asked me to be in charge of making sure the food gets prepared in time for the buffet dinner (in addition to my maid of honor duties, and making their wedding cake). I told her I thought she should find someone else because the food would need to go into the ovens during the ceremony and I wouldn't be able to do it as I would be standing with her.  

She flipped out and started crying and saying she should have just eloped.  Since then, no matter how much I offer to help she says she's doesn't need it, but she posts on Facebook how stressed she is and how she needs help. I believe she just likes people to feel bad for her. For as long as I've known her she has always played the victim in life and now I realize I just can't handle it anymore.  

I've always been a strong, confident person and just cannot respect this type of "poor me" behavior. I can't say anything because I have to walk on eggshells around her as she's the type to cry over every little confrontation. Over the past four months she hasn't called me and will only email about wedding issues, sometimes she'll add "How are you doing?" and when I reply telling her in about my life, she doesn't reply and the next email I receive is about the wedding.

I'm currently in the process of writing my speech and for the life of me cannot find any words to say, any that would be appropriate at least.
I'm sorry this email is so long and rambling! If you can offer me any advice as to how I can move forward, or how I can get through my speech it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
One very tired maid of honor

ANSWER

Dear Very Tired Maid of Honor,

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with your best friend. Brides often are self-absorbed but this one sounds over the top. I’m not sure how much of her narcissism is related to the wedding and how much is related to the bride’s personality and upbringing. It may be the combination of the two that is so punishing.

Accepting the role of maid of honor has put you in the position of witnessing many of your friend’s warts that you may have missed before. (Keep in mind that you may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual too, because, as you admit, it would be nicer if you were the one walking down the aisle now.)

Please keep your justifiable anger under control, and just get through the wedding and be a very gracious maid of honor. Your speech can be a piece of cake if you talk about how you met, recall the good times you shared together during your long friendship, and wish her the best for the future.

After things have simmered down for both of you, you’ll need to determine whether the friendship is worth salvaging. Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene

If these women were on reality TV, they would surely be cast as The Real Housewives of Jericho. This feisty circle of friends includes six accomplished, attractive, 40-something mothers who initially met through their children.

They jokingly call themselves The Vuvs, elaborating on a word one of them conjured up as a little girl because she couldn’t say the word “vagina.” They’re so close that they even share secrets like that one.

They live in walking distance of one another in suburban Jericho, New York, five of them within the same 800-home community. All but one is Jewish but she has an interfaith marriage. Coincidentally or providentially, each of them has two children between the ages of 8 and 15. A few of them have aging parents who reside in the same condo development in Florida.

Most noteworthy: For the past 8 years, these women have shared a special bond, being each other’s greatest cheerleaders and supporters. They get together as twosomes, threesomes, and as a sextet. With their spouses and kids, the group of 24 has vacationed together in places as far-flung as Mexico and Costa Rica and they seem to never tire of their sisterhood.

“I speak to at least three of them a day,” says Leslie Adler, 43, the “mother bear” of The Vuv Club. The Brooklyn-born, mother of two straddles two worlds. She’s an attorney by day for a large accounting firm, and moonlights as a blogger on MomLogic, and More.com and on her own sassy blog, The Vuv Club, using her life, family, career and friendships for blog fodder. When you read her posts, you can’t help but wish you had a sisterhood like hers.

What holds the group of besties together? Either she doesn’t know or she isn’t telling. Adler compares the recipe to that of a “Big Mac.” In terms of their personalities, they are distinct individuals rather than clones of one another but there is something about the mix works; they complement each in different ways. Each woman has a distinct network of friends and acquaintances that extend beyond the circle, but the circle is the “home base” to which they always return.

Adler says the group really coalesced when her husband, Eric, was diagnosed with testicular cancer (he’s now recovered). “When Eric was sick, we were all sick,” says Adler. Her friends arranged for meals and helped them get to treatments. On the couples’ 15th anniversary, when Adler couldn’t even think about leaving the house, The Vuvs stepped in and arranged for a limo to take them to a surprise celebratory dinner at Il Mulino in Manhasset. “That really raised the bar in terms of our friendship,” she says.

The women share laughter and sorrows, they celebrate each other’s milestones and accomplishments, and they’ve helped each other cope with job losses and death. If a problem arises for one, they call an emergency dinner to brainstorm solutions together. “We talk each other down from ledges,” says Adler. “Being part of something feels great.”

Do you have a circle of friends, wish you had one, or do you prefer having discrete relationships with best friends?

 

A version of this post also appears on The Huffington Post.

An article in New York Daily News today had a catchy headline that attracted my attention. It read: Women who gossip can live a happy and healthier life, study finds.

Every blogger is acutely aware that, regardless of content, the title of a post strongly influences whether or not a post will be read. To be honest, I wish I were better at composing titles for my own blog. Even the title of this one isn’t very good. However, the Daily News title really irked and insulted me. Why? First, it implies that all talk among women is gossip. Second, the study had nothing to do with gossip, as it is conventionally defined. Here's the real story: 

In the June issue of Hormones and Behavior, assistant professor of internal medicine Stephanie Brown of the University of Michigan Medical School reported on a study that found that women who bonded together emotionally had higher levels of the hormone progesterone than those with more tenuous ties.

While a number of prior studies have linked strong social supports to better health outcomes, the underlying basis for this connection hasn’t been clear. This new study suggests that a hormone associated with social bonding, specifically progesterone, may play a role in protecting women’s health and enhancing their longevity.

 

Read more about the study in ScienceDaily.com/

Set your cell phone alarm, mark your calendar, and write it across the top of your hand in red ink. Get ready for Best Friends Day (BFD), sponsored by DoSomething.org and BFF Entertainment. The two groups have declared June 8th, 2009 a national day of celebration for best friends to do something together to change the world.

What can two best friends do on that day to have fun, show affection for each other, and do something that has a larger impact by helping others? DoSomething and BFF have come up with some great suggestions:

1) If you use Twitter and add the hashtag #BFF to your tweet, your message to your friend will be streamed onto the iconic Times Square billboard in New York City on that day. Everyone will know that you are participating in Best Friends Day☺.

2) You can text “bff” to 30644 and sign up to volunteer or tell how you have changed the world.

3) If you send a BFF Bouquet from 1-800-FLOWERS on the day, a percentage of the sale will be donated to Do Something.org

4) Tune in to The Today Show, which will air a Best Friends Day feature on June 8th. Perhaps you’ll get another idea of how to help.

5) If you are a teen, get involved with DoSomething.org/---the organization that uses “the power of online to get teens to do good stuff offline.” If you are an old person (over the age of 20) or you’re privileged to have a business, check out DoSomething on the web and come up with your own unique way to participate and help.

The CEO, creative force, and cheerleader for the non-profit is attorney Nancy Lublin, who dubs herself ‘chief old person.’ In that role, Lublin raises funds from the corporate sector to support grants that help teens get things done. Last year alone, DoSomething.org inspired and empowered 12 million kids to get involved in a variety of projects in their local communities. This isn’t Lublin’s first successful philanthropic venture. At the age of 23, she created Dress for Success, an organization that provides women with the tools and confidence they need to succeed in their careers. That non-profit has expanded to more than 70 cities in four countries.

(Disclosure: I'm proud that my son, Andrew, was privileged to work with the wonderful team at DoSomething.)  

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I have a friend who was my closest friend for about seven years. Recently, my husband and I moved to town to be closer to her and her family, along with some of my family, too. At first, everything was perfect; we spent nearly every day with each other, had dinners together, went shopping together, and became closer than ever. A few months after the move, things became complicated.

For the past seven years, she and I were basically one another's only friends; we didn't really spend time with any one else. I met another girl my age and really hit it off with her. When this new friend decided to move closer to us, my husband and I began to help her and her husband pack up their house and move. During this time, we all became sick with the same sinus infection. Since my friend was pregnant and I was sick, I let her know I was sick and didn't want to share my illness with her, but I also continued spending time with my new friend, since we both already had the same cold.

As time passed, I started to see that my old friend wasn’t calling as often, that she was avoiding my calls, and that we weren't invited over anymore. I called twice a week for several weeks to let her know I missed her and wanted to see her again, but received no response. Then, the day before moving day for my new friend and her family, I received an email message. The message informed me of how neglectful I had become and that she expected to never see me again once the other friend moved to town.

She basically pinned large amounts of blame on me. Instantly, I contacted her and left a message, which she responded to by calling me back. We talked and I thought everything had been worked out. I still call her several times a week to try and make plans, but I keep getting responses about how her life is so busy and her husband has to work late, so we can't get together. I've even gone so far as to try and plan things weeks or months out into the future and even then I get the response, "We don't have anything planned, but something might come up." I feel like I'm being pushed away and I don't understand why. What am I doing wrong?

Signed,
Living on Rocky Road

 

ANSWER

Dear Living on Rocky Road,

A seven-year friendship has to hold many memories so I can understand how painful and tense this situation must be for you both. It sounds like your friend had gotten used to being your one-and-only and is having a hard time sharing you with another friend. You’ve tried to be sensitive to her feelings and have made several efforts to open the lines of communication between you but she hasn’t been able to get over feeling “jilted.” You aren’t doing anything wrong, in particular, but your friend is feeling very hurt.

It sounds like you care about her and value the relationship. So approach her directly and ask he if she is backing away from you. Tell her you have no intention of replacing her; she is still very special to you. Offer to spend time together as a twosome or as a threesome with your new friend, whichever she would prefer. Ask her if she is fatigued or concerned about her pregnancy. If she doesn’t respond, you may need to step back and give her time to work her problem through on her own.

You may want to read another recent post on the blog: Does a 'best friendship' need to be monogamous? It points out the different ways women think about fidelity in their friendships with other women.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

The emotional fallout of Susan Boyle’s unexpected and disappointing defeat on Saturday night was clearly devastating. The front-runner failed to take first place on the finale of Britain’s Got Talent, losing to a teenage dance group called Diversity. It’s hard to imagine how this somewhat shy and private middle-aged woman must have felt to have been suddenly catapulted into celebrity status and then knocked down, with 19 million viewers watching the debacle on TV. On stage, she handled the loss with grace but there were rumors of a series of backstage tantrums and cursing in response to the intense pressures she experienced as part of the competition.

According to media reports, one night later, Ms. Boyle had to be taken by ambulance from her hotel room to a London mental hospital run by the Priory Group. Under the Mental Health Act of 1983, someone in the UK can be detained for a maximum of 72 hours until that individual can be examined and treated by mental health professionals. But before any assessment could have taken place, there were media reports that hinted that Boyle was suffering from “mental exhaustion” and a “nervous breakdown.” If she is diagnosed with a mental disorder, this wouldn’t be surprising given the enormous amount of stress to which she was subjected.

To me, that Susan Boyle’s emotional unraveling immediately became fodder for the media is a far greater loss than coming in second in the competition. She involuntarily lost her right to privacy and while pundits were previously preoccupied with her appearance and dress, now there will be relentless questions and conjecture about her mental status, before and subsequent to her achieving the status of celebrity.

Despite decades of brain research that has proven that mental disorders are no-fault illnesses, the stigma associated with these disorders still remains pervasive. When someone is diagnosed with cancer or heart disease, people rally around the individual. When someone experiences the symptoms of an emotional disorder, their friends and opportunities for the future seem to disappear in tandem.

We can only hope that the entertainment handlers and the public who warmly embraced Ms. Boyle, an ordinary woman with exceptional talent, will continue to back her. She needs friendship and support more than ever before. Handled well, this can be a teachable moment for us all.

 

Do you have a friend with a mental disorder who needs information and/or support? Contact the NAMI helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am thrilled to have found your blog, and I also loved your article on Girlfriend Celebrations, Avoid These Five Common Pitfalls of Female Friendship. Thank you in advance for providing the advice and support you do.

I am 42 years old and blessed with two fantastic children, a loving and loyal husband, a supportive family, a great new career, and a lovely community. When I became a mother 14 ½ years ago, I really came into my own and developed many healthy wonderful female relationships. There were times when I felt jealous or confused when a best friend of mine began to develop a new close relationship because my nature is to be "monogamous." In other words, I only need one super intimate friendship at once, and can have other friendships as well, but don’t give those friendships the same time, attention, and preference. I want to desperately change this quality because I'm feeling very alone in my belief system.

I've learned that the majority of women seek multiple best friendships—or they want to have one best friend whom they know will always be there in a crisis, but love and seek the emotional high of "falling in love" with a new friend. I liken the scenario to innocently "going to first base" with other men despite being married.

I'm not saying that I want to fully adopt the belief system described above, I just want to learn how to better accept it as the norm, to forgive my current "best friend" for living this way and to learn how to enjoy the possibilities that come along with partially embracing this style. I appreciate your candor and look forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Candy

ANSWER

Dear Candy:

You sound fortunate because you are juggling a wealth of riches: marriage, motherhood, career, community—and close friendships.

Opting to have one best friend or more than one best friend isn’t a matter of right or wrong. Several of the pros for having multiple best friends are: 1) You don’t have to depend entirely on any one person to have all your friendship needs fulfilled; 2) Having different best friends can be rewarding to you in different ways; each one may bring different qualities to your relationship and your life; and 3) If a best friendship falls apart, you have another close friendship to fall back upon.

While you may be content having one best friend exclusively, you need to understand that there are valid reasons why one or more of your friends may choose not to be “monogamous” with you and you shouldn’t take it personally. These differences are a matter of personality and style.

Remember that your relationship with a best friend is unique---and unlike any other relationship that either of you have. You don’t need to change your ways but don’t try to change your friend either. Be forgiving, rather than jealous, and allow your friend the space she needs to express herself in a way that feels right for her. If you make her feel guilty or like she is doing something wrong by befriending other women, you will only drive her away. If her life is happy and full, like yours, it will only make her a better friend.

Hope this is helpful!

My best,
Irene

It’s always exhilarating to make a close friend—a soul mate—someone you understand and who makes you feel understood. When this happens, it feels like the bond will last a lifetime. Yet most friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever.  

Recent research by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University confirms that the large majority of friendships tend to be fleeting. He found that both the friends we make and the ones we keep are more likely to be determined by opportunity rather than personal preferences. Many relationships fall apart because people no longer have the opportunity to be together in the same context, e.g. a school, an office or a neighborhood.

The sociologist surveyed 1007 men and women between the ages of 18 and 65 years and was able to re-interview 604 of them seven years later. Over that time, the size of an individual’s social network remained strikingly stable (in terms of numbers) but there was a lot of turnover: New friends replaced old ones and only thirty percent of the original friendships remained. The influence of social context (where they met) on longevity was remarkably similar for friends and acquaintances—irrespective of the closeness of the relationship.

One take-away message: If a friendship is meaningful, it needs to be nurtured.

Do most of your relationships have a shelf life?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My best friend and I are boring each other to tears. She is seven years older than I am, so she is at a different place in life. This wasn't a problem when we first became friends about 6 years ago (I was 19 then and she was 26, so we both had tons of freedom). Now she's married, owns her own home and has more responsibilities. Other than work and maintaining my small apartment, I don't have any responsibilities.

Most of her side of the conversation revolves around yard work, house decorating, running errands, bargain shopping and the crazy events she encounters when trying new recipes. Her stories are never interesting to me anymore. They are literally a step-by-step playback of what she did throughout the day, and she can go on for over an hour. I'm sure the things I talk about are less than entertaining to her, too. I can almost hear her rolling her eyes through the phone when I talk about my co-workers' annoying habits, my weekend plans, and my sister's new boyfriend. With our age difference, I knew this was bound to happen.

Eventually, when I get a house and more responsibilities, I'm going to want someone to listen to my fifteen-minute story about the lawnmower breaking, but right now I yawn just thinking about hanging out with her. And she's not just an acquaintance; she's my best friend! I still get excited when the phone rings and it's her number on caller ID, but it only takes a few minutes of talking to remember this new issue.

Do you have any advice on how to liven up this friendship?

Thank you (love your column!),

Stuck in Dullsville

ANSWER

Dear Stuck in Dullsville,

You and your friend are at different places in your lives right now—a situation that is not uncommon. Regardless of age--the lives of two people, even best friends, rarely unfold in parallel.

It sounds like you’re both suffering from a bit of boredom with your usual routines, individually and as a twosome. It’s great that you are aware of the problem and are seeking a way to breathe new life into your friendship. You need to have an honest talk with your friend and together figure out ways to spend some more quality time together each week rather than remaining in a rut.

Can you structure time together to focus on interests that you both share? For example, you could pick out a flick you both want to see (at the movie theater or on DVD) each week, or take a cooking class to learn about a new cuisine, or join a book group with an interesting group of women--or you could both volunteer at a local hospital or community organization. Finding ways to develop new interests and create more shared history will help you stay connected.

One other thought: It may be helpful to limit the number of hours you spend together if you both are bored. Perhaps each of you also needs to expand your friendship portfolio to find other friends who are in similar situations. Often one best friend isn’t enough to share various aspects of our lives.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene