The Bridal Wave

An interview with Valerie Krause

June weddings are legend. A better-kept secret is that this is also a month of hurt feelings--- a month when many brides and brides-to-be cut off their female friends. Yes, they ignore and alienate the very same women who made their showers, wore the hideous bridesmaid gowns they selected, and broke the bank to buy them wedding gifts.

Valerie Krause and Erin Torneo wrote The Bridal Wave as a prescription for all the women who strive to “stay sane in a marriage-crazy world.” It’s filled with wisdom and wit for the woman who feels like she is always a bridesmaid.

In this brief interview, Valerie offers her no-nonsense advice for a close friend of the bride who feels betrayed on some level, but wants to stay attached to her friend before and after the wedding.

Question:

Valerie, I’ve seen engaged friends who no longer want to go out on weekend nights without their fiancés. To add insult to injury, the engaged friend has the nerve to call when her boyfriend is working or traveling out of town. How can a good friend stop the resentment from building up and repair a fractured friendship with a bride-to-be?

Answer:

Unfortunately this happens all the time. Good friends have to understand that the bride’s life and her priorities have changed. Her fiancé is her best friend (hopefully!) and everyone else has probably slid down a notch. The good friend has a couple of options:

1. Be the third wheel

The bride is signing up for a lifetime with this guy so the good friend is going to have to get used to hanging with them both. And since they do live together it is not like they will be dying for her to leave so they can make out.

2. Reset her watch

Maybe she’s lost Saturday nights, but maybe the two of them could sign up for a weekly morning yoga class or brunch or both! Either way the good friend should make some allowances for the bride. She shouldn’t punish her when she calls when her guy is out of town by refusing to hang out. To the contrary, she should seize these increasingly rare opportunities. All of our priorities change as we age. It is just a fact of life. You can't expect your relationships to remain the same forever. The best advice is to go with the flow.

Question:

What does a good friend do about the bride who is in the middle of planning her wedding and becomes incapable of having a conversation that’s NOT about her wedding?

Answer:

Erin and I call these women Lobridemized. This is what happens when the Wedding Industrial Complex gets hold of a previously sane woman. Chances are she is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of choices she has to make (about things she didn't know existed pre-engagement) as well as by the pressure to please not only herself, but her family, his family and all of their common friends.

That said, if she is treating her good friend in an inappropriate manner, the friend can either disappear for a while, or grit her teeth and try to make it to the finish line. The bride should return to her former self after the last thank you note has been sent out. While I would love to tell the friend to discuss her feelings with the Bride, the Lobridemized tend to lose all ability to empathize. And it’s not worth losing a friendship over this. After all, the good friend will need a faithful servant when it’s her turn to walk down the aisle!

Have you had any experiences of being jilted by a friend?