QUESTION:
Dear Irene:
I love your blog (well, love it AND hate it, because I see myself in too many of these posts!). You concentrate on "fractured friendships" and right now I'm feeling low because the Sex and the City movie is about to appear in theaters...my favorite series, and I have no gal pal to go with.
While others are organizing SATC movie parties, my two best girl friends long ago "fractured" (well, they were complete breaks) our friendships. One was my girlfriend since high school days who was my maid-of-honor, and lives far away from me; the second, a more local gal who took her place, and then gave up on me over a year ago. Inboth instances, they ended the longtime friendship because they disapproved of my having an affair (an affair that's lasted longer than either of these friendships, I might add...over 20 years). I never put any limits on my friendships with women OR with men; I love them for who they are, both the good and the bad traits. I don't judge.
But now with the SATC movie out, I guess I'll just have to go alone to a matinee andgrin and bear it. I even asked my (woman) hairdresser yesterday when I was getting a haircut/color if she wanted to go with me (she's half my age, and we are friendly but not quite "friends") and she replied she "hates going to movie theaters." [Darn those Gen Xers!]
Just wanted to bring this to your attention. This can be tough for women sufferingfrom "fractured friendship syndrome.” I have plenty of male friends -- much to my husband's chagrin -- none of whom would be caught dead in that movie theater with me next Friday! Keep up the good work.
Signed, Anonymous
ANSWER:
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks so much for reading my blog and sending your note.
Sounds like you are experiencing a friendship
deficit, something that many women experience from time to time. It's been
there but reading my post about Sex and the City probably made you more aware
of it. That's good! Now you know you want to make more new friends. And just
like relationships with men, you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you meet a
prince.
Not wanting to see the movie with you doesn't mean your hairdresser rejected you.
Instead, it may suggest that the person you selected may be a poor fit for you.
I find that I have a hard time being friends with people who don't laugh at Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld, two of my favorite
TV shows. It's not a fatal flaw but often is suggestive that there may be too many
differences between me and someone else to be really close to one another. I do
think that you can tell a lot about a friend by the entertainment she likes.
My suggestion would be to go see the movie alone. I'm sure you won't be the
only "single" there. Sit next to someone else who is alone and start
up a conversation. If you can't find an empty seat that fits the bill, having
seen the movie will still serve as fodder for conversation with another
potential female friend.
You seem to have no problem making male friends so you certainly have the
relationship skills you need. Just put yourself in more situations with other
women and give your relationships time to grow.
My best,
Irene
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