Stressed out

An interview with Debbie Mandel, MA

Stress expert and life coach Debbie Mandel explains why some female friendships create stress, how women can recognize and lessen the stress of their relationships, and when you should simply give up and move on.

Are any of your friendships stressing you out? Read what Debbie has to say...

Why do some female friendships turn out to be stressful?

Women are competitive and female friends tend to compete with one another. This one-upmanship is stressful, especially since many women feel that they don’t measure up or aren’t good enough for their friends.

Also, women are relationship-oriented and bond closely with friends, even revealing their innermost secrets. This makes them vulnerable.

Finally, women sometimes suffer from high-expectations. They expect too much from their friends, wanting them to be mind readers or clones.

How can a woman tell that a relationship is causing her stress or distress?

It is important to pay attention to physical cues like stomach aches, a bad taste in the mouth, headaches, etc. when you are with someone toxic or stress-inducing.

Then there are the emotional cues: You feel unhappy, tense, anxious or irritable. Of course, if a friend is slinging more barbs that usual, or is inordinately sarcastic, these verbal cues can be undermining and deflating.

What can friends do to lessen the stress between them?

It is always best to be assertive and express yourself honestly. Suppression and accommodation only lead to anger and resentment. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Don’t be afraid to say “no” and by the same token, be accepting when a friend says “no” to you.

It is important to remember that friends don’t have to agree all the time – or be mirror-images of one another. Be willing to compromise and reach an equitable solution. Everyone wants to be right – so meet them halfway and let them!

When do you simply give up?

You give up when there is toxicity to the relationship, even well-meaning toxicity. When your friend dwells on all that is wrong in your life, you have outgrown one another. When there has been a core betrayal, forgive and move on. Sometimes it is more courageous to quit and let go, then to hang on.

To read more about Debbie and her work, go to www.turnonyourinnerlight.com