Dear Irene,
Someone please help. E-mail me a response. I have a friend
that is about to be my sister-in-law; her wedding is in two weeks. She takes
and takes and TAKES from me because I can’t say NO!
I’m fed up and don’t know how to tell her. She has me
sending out invitations, baking and decorating her cupcakes and the groom’s
cake for the wedding, helping her with the music and there’s no telling what
else is yet to come. If I try to say NO, she twists it and keeps pressuring me until
I give in. Oh, and I’m her maid of honor. We had to pay for our own dresses and
my husband had to pay for his shirt---that’s over $100.00 already. I paid to
give her a luau shower and I helped out with the bachelorette party.
The last straw was when my husband didn’t pay for his shirt
because we spent over $50 (the price of the shirt) on necessities for
the cakes...he just wanted to call it even. Now she is calling me, crying and upset
trying to get me to pay for the shirt!!!
Signed Megan
________________________________________
Hi Megan:
This is just the beginning of your relationship with your once-friend who morphed into a
sister-in-law---so you need to set realistic boundaries for the future about what
you feel comfortable doing for her and what you don’t. For example, you shouldn’t
feel like you have to spend more money on her than feels comfortable for you or that fits
within your budget---no matter what she thinks she deserves or is entitled to. She may think that now that you are relatives, she can ask you for anything and everything.
As time passes, if you keep acquiescing to every favor the Queen
of Favors asks of you, as you have seen, she will continue to ask for more. You
may need to speak to your brother to give him a heads up and to ask for his
help in giving the message to his bride-to-be that you are starting to feel like a patsy. You don’t want to blindside him and
create conflict between the newlyweds by taking on his wife without letting him know.
That said, weddings are always times of great angst for brides and their families. I think that now isn't the time to begin to say NO for the first time or to try to change your sister-in-law-to-be. Be gracious until the wedding is over and let her enjoy her special day. Then stick to your guns.
Hope this is helpful.
Best,
Irene
by Irene S. Levine, PhD