BFF

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t talked. Okay, so here’s the story:

I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th) and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied “What a f**king whore!!!!”

Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh, my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”

Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship for me to even cross).

So on 07/14, I decided to write her:

Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking of the consequences...but you are still my #1.

With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:

I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to talk yet?

Her response 2 minutes later:

Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that emails and texting is the way to go...When you are ready to call me and give me an apology, then we can talk.

My response 30 minutes later:

I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used; there was no malicious attempt. I didn't mean what I said literally. It was just bad choice of words.

She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!

Signed,
Stuck in Sunnyvale

ANSWER:

Dear Stuck in Sunnyvale:

I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.

Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this, having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.

By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your dilemma.

Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset, even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.

Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text or email.

My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know it.

My best,

Irene

Some of the most painful and unexpected girlfriend breakups occur during the roller-coaster middle-school years. Alexa Young’s engaging new teen novel, Frenemies (HarperTeen, 2008) is a book that moms will want their daughters to read in preparation for this rude awakening. The book tells the story of two eighth-graders and BFFs, Halley Brandon and Avalon Greene, who have always agreed on everything. But after spending a summer apart, they’ve changed—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.

Alexa graciously agreed to answer my questions about her book.

Why did you decide to focus this series on middle-school girls?

Because my editors made me (!)—but with very good reason. After all, middle school is arguably the time when female friendships can really start to unravel, largely because girls go through so many life-altering changes during those years. Obviously, there are all the puberty-related physical and emotional changes, as well as all sorts of new social and academic pressures. It’s also the time when most girls really start to break away from the familiar voices of authority in their lives, to develop a more independent outlook and pursue new friendships, romantic interests, ideas about what they want their future to look like. All of these things can cause huge shifts and upsets with the people we’re closest to—and that’s what the FRENEMIES series is all about: Growing up and changing and drifting apart (and then lashing out at the people closest to you in really inappropriate ways!). Obviously, these issues don’t stop once you make it through middle school, but the tween years are typically when it all starts and when every tiny event in your life can feel like the biggest deal EVER. If your friend doesn’t invite you to spend the night, your crush doesn’t notice you, you don’t get the must-have outfit or get to go to the biggest party of the year…YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OVER! It really does feel that way. I know it did to me.

Why are female friendships so turbulent during this period?

Again, I think it has a lot to do with all the changes we go through and how much that can feed our insecurities as well as spark a lot of envy and jealousy. Some girls may be developing more quickly or slowly than others, some may be getting involved in romantic relationships, some may be exploring new ways of expressing themselves—whether in the way they choose to dress or by making new friends or joining new clubs and pursuing sports or other extra-curricular activities. Some may be taking their academics more seriously than they ever have in the past. All of these things fuel a lot of excitement as well as confusion, self-doubt and—potentially—a whole host of awfully dramatic mean-girl maneuvers between supposed “friends.” Speaking from personal experience, I was horribly self-conscious about the fact that most of my friends went through puberty in middle school while I was still waiting for all those “developments,” and that they were all starting to “go out” with guys while I was pretty nervous and awkward around the opposite sex. I was a real late bloomer, and seeing all my friends advancing in physical and social ways sparked plenty of self-doubt. On the other hand, I began to flourish academically and in extra-curriculars, which helped to balance me out but definitely took me in new directions as far as my friendships were concerned.

How can a pre-teen or teen tell a frenemy when she meets one?

I think the red flags are there no matter what your age. There are the obvious acts of betrayal, like talking behind your back or stealing your boyfriend—but I don’t think those are nearly as common as some of the more subtle ways a frenemy shows her true colors. That might include talking about herself but never taking the time to listen to you; only coming to you when she needs or wants something; not supporting your interests or goals; becoming threatened, jealous or envious—rather than excited for you—when things are going your way; constantly trying to one-up you; disappearing whenever you need her (e.g., when she gets a “better” offer to do something with someone else). Most important, it’s a feeling you get when you’re around her: You don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t like who you are, you don’t feel confident being yourself around her, you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with her.

What are the lessons you try to teach in this book?

I’m actually not trying to teach any lessons at all. I think the moment you make a conscious effort to convey a particular message—at least in a work of fiction—it winds up backfiring because it’s only going to come across as preachy and moralistic. As my editors say, “You’re not writing an after-school special!” Particularly when you’re writing for teens, they’re going to see right through that kind of thing and run screaming for something less obvious. So all I’m really trying to do is tell the story with humor and heart. That’s not to say there aren’t deeper messages in there, though, because I think there definitely are—they just weren’t messages I consciously tried to deliver. Some of the takeaways that I think (hope!) shine through: That insecurities can drive us to do absurd things to the people we care about the most in our lives—and that that can be awfully unproductive; that it’s okay to pursue new interests and express yourself in new ways, and that people who’ve truly got your back will support you; that if you’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable or hurt around your friend, you need to explore those emotions—possibly with her—rather than lashing out and making the problem worse. I think the book illustrates what not to do a lot more than what to do, though! I guess that’s why, ultimately, it comes across as fairly light and humorous with subtle messages woven in, when all is said and done.

Can frenemies ever really turn into besties at the end?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship and what’s causing the tension. If one friend betrays or hurts another in an unforgivable way, then I think it’s going to be awfully hard to get past that. However, if it’s a matter of two people drifting apart and pursuing different paths, I firmly believe they can be best friends again—if and when their paths and interests and lives converge again. It may take years, even decades, for them to find that common ground…but I absolutely think it’s possible.

How can moms help their daughters learn to navigate female friendships?

Wow. Great question. As a fairly new mom myself, I think the biggest thing all parents can do—no matter how old their children are—is to lead by example. A mother who has loving, supportive female friendships in her life is probably going to do a great job of raising a daughter with the same. Beyond that, I think moms can encourage their daughters to pay attention to how they feel when they’re around their friends, and to honor those feelings and instincts. As I mentioned before, if your daughter feels insecure or unhappy or unable to be herself in the presence of her friends, that’s a major problem and something that needs to be addressed—most likely, she needs to make some new friends. Another really important message Moms can reinforce: Don’t view differences between yourself and other girls as a sign that any of you are doing anything wrong. All relationships are about the right fit—so if you don’t connect or click with a particular person, that’s doesn’t have to mean one of you is any better than the other…it just means you’re not meant to be friends. Emphasize that everybody is different—not better or worse.

About the author: Alexa Young spent the first several years of her professional life working in the music industry and subsequently worked as an editor for the now-defunct teen magazine JUMP, as well as for SHAPE magazine. As a freelance writer, she’s contributed to a number of national consumer magazines, including Marie Claire, O: The Oprah Magazine and Family Circle. She holds a bachelor's degree in Literature/Writing from the University of California, San Diego, and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, son and dog. FRENEMIES is her first novel. The second book in the series, FAKETASTIC, is scheduled for a January 2009 release.

What will you be doing when Sex and The City (SATC) hits the theatres on Friday, May 30th? If you are female and haven’t thought about getting together with friends, you must be living in a cave. The trailers and marketing blitz have reached a feverish pitch.

On that evening (and the weeks and months that follow), single, divorced, widowed and married women will be making a beeline to local theatres in their Manolos---sort of like voting with their feet. They are seizing a girl’s night out (GNO)---away from husbands, boyfriends, jerks, work, housekeeping, caregiving, cooking and kids to enjoy and support one another.

The larger-than-life friends we all wish we had---Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda---are making it to the Silver Screen, providing the rest of us the kick in the butt we need to take time off to kindle our own friendships. A small sampling of what’s happening:

BOSTON

After the movie, 20-something Kristin Albano and friends will be heading to a favorite Italian place in the North End for Cosmos and dinner. Women never have enough time for friends: “Since we’ve all graduated from college, it’s hard to keep up friendships,” she says. “We work and have boyfriends, families and many other things that need our attention.”

MIAMI

Sarah Socarros and three others (Is this group of four a mere coincidence?) will shop, dine, and catch the flick at the Dolphin Mall followed by cocktails. “This is the perfect excuse because guys aren’t really that into the phenomenon. We can be more candid - a la SATC if ya catch my drift,” she says.

HOLLYWOOD

Carol Stevenson and friends (suburban mommies with young kids) will dine at The Bowery and go to The ArcLite Theatre and order Cosmos. Designer duds don’t always cut it when your days are spent changing diapers and cleaning up spills so this group is looking for fashion and fun. “My friend Sylvia is a great planner of adult-only functions,” she says. “Who needs a better excuse than a chick flick? Women love the fantasy of the lives the women on SATC lead. Most of us have never been able to be that carefree, even before we got married and had kids!”

Another group from Sherman Oaks has chosen The ArcLite where Monica Sagaser will be one of ten 30- and 40-somethings celebrating friendship. “The truth of the writing and the characters is compelling and addictive,” she says. “The girls of SATC are imperfect and make lots of complex, humorous and entirely identifiable mistakes. Also, the complexities of friendship are integral to every episode. We all dream of having that special BFF---but the world is too busy.”

FORT WORTH

Sarah McClellan-Brandt and three others will be sipping Cosmos at a local (only in Texas) “movie tavern.” “It’s a great excuse for a GNO because SATC is something guys understand but don’t want any part of,” she says. “There are so many women who will let their female friendships wither once they are in a serious relationship but SATC shows how important it is NOT to do that.”

MEMPHIS

It’s never too late. On May 30, Dominique Pryor-Anderson will purchase tickets online to watch the movie with 19 other friends on May 31 at the Paradiso Theater, followed by sushi and drinks. “All women have or want to have camaraderie like the girls had on the show,” she says.

NEW YORK

“As a woman living in NYC, I feel it necessary to pay homage to a show that embodies the essence of women across our great city,” says Denise Espinal. “It always feels good when you see yourself in someone else and I believe each one of the SATC characters is relatable. She had intended to share the special night with five of her closest friends until “word spread” and now there are thirty. “The impact that the show has had on my life is worth spending a night out in the city, wearing brand new stilettos and getting all dressed up to sit in a movie theatre. In a city full of stress and mayhem, busy schedules and deadlines, it’s good to find an escape.”

BIRMINGHAM

Lauren Burke sent out e-vites to 25 co-workers and friends in Birmingham. (She even sent me one, on the condition that I wouldn’t come). “I will be having ladies over to my apartment for a premiere party. “ They’ll play SATC Trivia, with Season 6 of the show playing in the background.” Lauren’s asked everyone to wear an element of pink, or to rock a big Carrie flower, or to come with some Samantha bling. But for her too, it’s the friendships that count: “Women love to talk about their lives and relationships. When you have a bad date, at least you have a story to rehash with your friends!”

SCOTTSDALE

“All my girlfriends, their sisters, and their sister’s friends are planning a big night out,” says Natasha Nelson. “We all grew up together and since many of us have started families and companies, we don’t get a chance to hang the ways we used to. Most women I know have girlfriends but the SATC girls really spend a lot of time together and seem to be each other’s true support.”

MINNEAPOLIS

Three weeks ago, Dani Gibbs relocated to Minneapolis be with her fiancée. She had planned to attend a GNO with old friends in LA (at the ArcLite too, coincidentally). Suddenly, she was in a new place without any old friends. It didn’t stop her. “I used MinneapolisLinkUp.com to host a quickie event to meet some people and then inquired about doing a GNO for SATC and--TA-DA! Yep, chicks in Minneapolis were interested too. It’s a good excuse because it’s a girlie movie and common ground for a lot of different women/personalities,” she says.

PORTLAND

GNOs are an every-other-week-thing for Julie Ma and her friends, most of who just graduated from college. There is always an excuse to “catch up with life, talk about whom we’re dating, how work is going, what our goals are, and to meet people and network,” she says. “We live in a fast-paced world and you have to have girlfriends to catch you when you fall, rescue you from the creepy guy on the dance floor, toast your successes and back you up on challenges.” After cocktails and hors d’ouevres, Julie’s group will see a midnight show.

ATLANTA

Skirt! Magazine has invited lucky Kristin Harmel to attend a premiere in Atlanta on Tuesday. Kristin, who fancies herself as a real-life Carrie of sorts, is making an evening of it with fashion designer friend, Amy Tangerine. “We plan to get our hair blown out and wear our Carrie Bradshaw best. Then we’ll head out for dinner and drinks,” she says. “I'm a big believer in looking inside ourselves for happiness and establishing strong female friendships instead of looking for men to ‘complete us’ -although I think it's wonderful to find a man to compliment the lives we've already built for ourselves.” Kristin already has plans to see SATC a second time as part of a foursome in Pittsburgh with friends Kristen, Megan and Amber.

PITTSBURGH

Mary Ann Miller and three friends are attending a Pittsburgh preview on Friday evening. “They were avid followers of the TV program and while I wasn’t as committed to watching, they always kept me up to speed,” she says. The local women’s center and shelter is sponsoring a cocktail party followed by the screening. The group has been meeting monthly for dinner for almost a decade and has silver Tiffany bracelets with a GNO charm.

WASHINGTON, DC

After Cosmos and appetizers at a friend’s apartment, Megan Erhardt and 20 friends will be hailing cabs to Georgetown to watch the movie. For her group, the movie will bring back lots of memories. ”Many of our best college memories include watching the show or referencing scenes, fashion, relationship issues.” Her pal, Mariel Poole, will be there too. “Girlfriends become your extended family,” she says.

VIRGINIA

On a grand scale, an organization call Success in the City, whose goal is “uniting women of achievement” will host a day-long SATC festival with a pre-party the night before. “The event is called, BIG, REALLY BIG, BIGGER THAN MR. BIG!” says CEO Cynthia de Lorenzi. An after-party is planned at Saks Fifth Avenue in Tysons Galleria Mall, aptly called “Saks in the City”---with Cosmos, shopping discounts, and networking opportunities. Guests will receive a SWAG bag and an opportunity to enter a drawing for an Eiffel Tower Purse like the one that Carrie carries in the movie.

SAN FRANCISCO

Suzanne Agasi is planning the ultimate SATC GNO. Her 150th clothing swap, Swap in the City, will be celebrated on Friday May 30th at the Intercontinental Hotel. Each participant will get a ticket for the Century 9 theatre a few blocks away. Four hundred SATC aficionados are expected to de-clutter their closets and exchange clothes at the swap that benefits three local shelters.

It’s not surprising that female friendships trump Sex. Friends help define who we are and who we want to become. The movie release provides proof positive of our need for close friendships and offers one convenient avenue to nurture them. Women need to find more ways.

 

Might it be time to call it quits?

QUESTION:

My best friend is finally dumping her jerk husband of more than a decade and I'm glad about that but it's all wearing me to a nub.

Her frenzied dating is making me nuts. She talks about her boyfriends constantly, and about how many men are chasing her. She is convinced her life will be right back on track when she has a boyfriend, even though the divorce isn't even final yet.

She's really into psychotherapy which I hope might help her. I think she needs to stabilize before she gets involved with anyone but who am I to say? I don't know how to be supportive, honest, and not make my tongue bleed by biting it all at the same time.

I used to think that when she finally got away from her husband, who was emotionally abusive, she would grow into the woman she could be and our friendship would deepen. Now I just don't know. I'm feeling distant from her and irritated.

Please help!
Anonymous

 

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time supporting your BFF’s choices almost as long as you’ve known her but you deluded yourself into thinking her rotten choice of mate was circumstantial: that she simply picked the wrong guy and had a hard time getting out of it.

In large part, people choose their circumstances, and if they don’t because they’ve fallen into them by mistake, they do have the free will to change them. Eighteen years of abuse must have eroded your friend’s self-esteem completely. What half-normal person would put up with all that stuff for that long?
Admittedly, this is probably a very difficult time for your BFF. She must worry about whether she will eventually land on the ground with both feet standing---and you may be wondering the same thing about her too!

Being indiscriminately “boy-crazy” diverts a woman from thinking about their own life (How do I know? Been there, done thatJ). Her interest in psychotherapy suggests that on some level, she would like to find her true self.

But let’s get back to you. It’s impossible to support a friend when you consistently don’t support her choices, unless she has other qualities that outweigh the negative ones. The value of every female friendship is determined by how well it meets our needs---I like to call this the concept of reciprocity. Friendships usually work when two friends feel like they are giving each other more---or at least as much---as they are getting. Sounds like this one isn’t working for you.

In this circumstance, what are your choices? You can leave things as they are and bite your tongue (but I think you are having a problem doing that or you wouldn’t have written to me). You can tell her things she isn’t ready to hear. Or there is one more approach that I think is the most prudent. I suggest that you take a friendship sabbatical.

You need to step back and give your friend time to work things out---and you need to give yourself time to think about whether the friendship is worth the angst. You can tell your friend that you need some time and space for yourself but you really care about her and what she is going through. In the meantime, spend more time with other friends and see if they can fill the deficit. Let me know what you decide and how it goes.

 

Best, Irene

 

Mother's Day celebrates motherhood---as well as children, flowers, candy, and greeting cards. But there's a seedy side to everything---and motherhood is a known friendship-killer. Motherhood challenges female friendships for a variety of reasons:

• You are a mother, and your BFF isn't one and wants to be one. Her fertility problems are making her extremely frustrated, depressed, and angry at you.

• Your BFF is a merry mother of six and you have no desire to even be a mother of one. When you're together, she never stops talking about her brood.

• You and your BFF both have children but they are at different ages or stages (And one of hers is a biter).

• You and your BFF have vastly different views on child-rearing. You're permissive and believe in letting kids be kids. She believes in turning children into little adults.

• Your children and/or spouse don't get along with your BFF's children and/or spouse. When her son punched yours in the nose, her husband said your son provoked him.

• On a practical level, all other things being equal, you have less discretionary time for friendships than high-school or college-age women, married women without children, and older women. With all your responsibilities, you barely have time to shower.

• You are a mother-martyr who places the needs of your children and family above your own social needs.

• You have fewer opportunities to meet new friends than you did when you were younger and more care-free---you only go to noisy, active places with children where it's hard to have heart-to-heart conversations.

At different times of our lives, there are real shifts in the number and nature of our female friendships. Living in a dorm, you may have been surrounded by a circle of close female friends. For one or more of the reasons mentioned above, motherhood is one of those times when you might have more than your share of problems making or maintaining female friendships.

Many of us spend so much time juggling our roles as daughters, wives, workers, caregivers, and mothers that we wake up one morning and suddenly realize we have a serious friendship deficit! We think: If only there was someone we could call---or have coffee with---who could understand the gaping hole it has left.

This Mother's Day, give yourself a little gift that no one else would ever think of. Jot down an appointment on your calendar to have lunch with a friend, or to have a girl's night out. It's the equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask first.

Taking small steps to build female friendships enhances our own physical and emotional well-being, and makes us better mothers in the long-run.

Do you have a BFF that you phone or text---more times a day than you can count?

Wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day on February 14th with FREE wallpaper for her cell. She’ll think of you each time she looks at her phone and sees all the hugs and kisses.

Go to the Hallmark beta site and take a peek. You don't pay for the download but you may have to pay for one or two text messages. I'll let you know when I get my bill :-)

 

 

The long-hyped premiere of Lipstick Jungle is scheduled for 10PM EST tonight on NBC. Following on the heels of Sex and the City by the same writer (Candace Bushnell), the show is described as a tale of three female friends in NYC who are a little older, wiser, wealthier and successful than the Sex and the City babes---but who are still juggling their personal and high-powered professional lives.

I’ll be watching this evening to see what I can learn about female friendships. Are the Tres Amigas good friends, close friends, best friends? Are any of their relationships toxic? How do they balance friendship and work? Friendship and romance? How intimate are their relationships? Here are excerpts from some of the critic’s reviews (which have been mixed), which I've selected because they focus on the show’s take on female friendships.

Shoe-Savvy Friends Against the City
New York Times Review by Allessandra Stanley

The women are one another’s confidantes and best friends in a nasty world teeming with younger, envious rivals and vengeful enemies.

Lipstick Jungle
Los Angeles Times Review by Mary McNamara

Here's Wendy Healy (Brooke Shields), the nicest movie executive you'll ever meet (she doesn't even swear), dutifully struggling to fill her roles as deal maker, mommy, wife and BFF. Needless to say, she's on the phone a lot.

The creators seem to think their show is saying something new, only it's not really clear what that is. That women can be just as power hungry or libidinous as men? Or female friendship trumps every other relationship save motherhood? Or it's tough to be a working mother? If this show had run 10 years ago, maybe. But now?

Lipstick Jungle: NBC's Thick Application of Gloss
Washington Post Review by Tom Shales

Now and then, the three dear friends meet -- on a rooftop, say, or for lunch at the inevitable trendy eatery, or to take a walk in Toronto (which appears to be playing New York City again). Their get-togethers might include deep thoughts on a woman's plight in the modern world…

Please comment. What did you think about the show? Are these real friendships or ideal ones?

Two more celebrity pairings this week reinforce the notion that people define us by the company we keep.

CNN quoted former President Bill Clinton saying that Hillary is a close friend of Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain.

"She and John McCain are very close," Clinton said in Spartanburg, SC. "They always laugh that if they wound up being the nominees of their party, it would be the most civilized election in American history, and they're afraid they'd put the voters to sleep because they like and respect each other."

What was Bill thinking? Does this unusual pairing suggest that Hillary is moving towards the middle of the political spectrum? That she is a conciliatory person? That she is capable of befriending and working closely with the boys? Honestly, could they really be BFFs?

Equally interesting is the TMZ TV buzz linking pregnant superstar J Lo (Jennifer Lopez) as a BFF with the Queens of the King of Queens, Leah Remini. Leah is a self-proclaimed scientologist, which caused immediate speculation that she might be recruiting J Lo as a convert.

Something to think about…

It’s so easy to make resolutions and so hard to keep them. Every year, women resolve to lose weight, reduce stress, work smarter, and improve their relationships with family and friends.

I thought a little more specificity might help clarify my Friendship Resolutions (and yours) and make them more concrete and achievable. Here goes:

1) Get real

Don’t expect all of your friendships to last forever

2) Don’t settle for one BFF

Surround yourself with a number of synergistic relationships

3) Get rid of toxic friendships

If a friendship consistently drains you, brings you down, makes you nervous, or makes you angry, it is not worth keeping.

4) Don’t be a toxic friend

Don’t be too needy. Listen as much as you talk. Don’t expect any one friend to fulfill all your needs.

5) Reach back

There is no substitute for shared history. With the internet and low-cost cell phone calls, there’s no reason to not reconnect with significant friends from your past.

6) Prepare for your future

Continually work at making new friends. As we grow and mature, we need to replenish our stock to keep our friendships fresh and vital.

7) Don’t be threatened by the internet

Virtual friendships on MySpace, Facebook and LinkedIn don’t undermine friendships. Rather, they can enhance old friendships and create new ones.

8) Just do it

There is no substitute for setting aside time for your friendships and the payoff is worthwhile. Don’t just talk about getting together. Mark you calendar.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A recent article in the Beaufort (Georgia) Gazette caught my eye. Seems like the ancient rite of teenage girls becoming blood sisters isn’t exactly dead….although it almost turned deadly.

The news report told a tale of two drunken girls, ages 16 and 17, from Hilton Head, who tried “to consecrate their newfound friendship by becoming blood sisters.” One of them ended up in the local emergency room with a deep gash on her hand that was bleeding profusely. Apparently, the girls used a knife to seal the deal and “miscalculated.” With the threat of HIV and hepatitis these days, I wouldn’t recommend the practice even if they were sober!

Admittedly---In the days of innocence, before BFF necklaces and BFF bracelets, my buddy and next-door neighbor Anita Klansky and I wanted to signal our status as best friends. I was an only-child at the time and Anita only had a brother. So one day after school, we borrowed a needle from my mom’s sewing basket and each pricked our pointer fingers. Then we pressed the tips with traces of bright red blood up against one another and promised to be blood sisters forever. We were---until Anita’s dad got a job out-of-state a few years later and she moved away.

The rite is somewhat akin to its male counterpart, blood brothers: Two males, unrelated by birth, who swear loyalty to one another in a blood oath that involves the co-mingling of blood. The roots of the blood oath can be traced back to a Norse myth called Orvar-Odd’s saga, which also later was adopted in different forms by Asian and Native American tribal cultures.

WikiHow prescribes a more contemporary and non-invasive approach to the ritual for young girls:

1. Decide your soul color (the color that matches your personality).
2. Buy markers that are similar (or the same) as your soul color.
3. Quickly mark your finger with your soul color.
4. Have your soon-to-be sis color her finger with her soul color.
5. Press fingers together and say "I pledge to be your sister forevermore".

Another alternative for grown-up women as we herald in the New Year: Invite your Bestie (or Besties) to share a champagne toast and tell her how much her friendship means to you.