closure

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm so glad that I happened upon this website. I've been struggling with my relationship with my long-time, former-best-friend Linda. It's been a gradual deterioration over the last couple of years and a long grieving process. I'm trying to figure out if this friendship is worth salvaging or if I just need to talk to her to gain some closure.

Linda and I had been thick as thieves since our sophomore year of high school 11 years ago. Along the way, there have been times of distance, which generally occurred when she was in a relationship. The biggest difference between us is that she always bemoaned the fact that she didn't have a huge group of friends, while I've always been content to have a few close ones. Our friendship was probably its healthiest in high school. I don't know when it changed exactly, but within the last few years since exiting university and entering the working world, I have become the one who listens, without being heard.

Linda had a particularly unhealthy romantic relationship a couple of years ago. I tried to be supportive of her feelings and not be judgmental. But our almost daily conversations, which often lasted for hours upon hours, were completely focused on the current drama in that relationship. It became exhausting and as someone who unfortunately likes feeling helpful, I didn't curb her excessive and repetitive discussions. Eventually things ended badly with that guy, but the phone calls remained the same.

Shortly aftert, Linda reconnected with a classmate, Ann, from college and the three of us started to hang out. Ann is very outgoing, has a huge social circle (which is slightly overwhelming to me as I am somewhat shy) and is very active in the Catholic youth ministry in our city. Linda used to be incredibly uncomfortable with overt religiosity, but she found Ann fun to hang out with, despite her focus on faith. Eventually, Linda hung out more and more with the group, especially when she fell for Ann's brother, who is also very religious. Linda started to become more religious herself. While, I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, it did seem out of character. Then she became further involved by becoming a youth minister herself.

While she would still call to complain and vent, she was not calling to hang out on the weekends like we used to. She only called for what felt like a therapy session. Our friendship had become taxing and one-sided. I missed doing things with Linda like shopping, and going to movies and bars, etc., getting out and laughing instead of just wallowing and worrying. I'm a fairly independent person and I do enjoy time alone but I get depressed when I have no social outlet whatsoever. And that's how it ended up. From the summer of 2006, she has been steadily less available to hang out, but always, at least until recently, ready to call me when she's needed a sympathetic ear.

I have a few other great friends that I would say are just as close and important to me as Linda has been, but unfortunately, they live in various spots across the country. I talk to them and email them frequently, but due to the distance we aren't able to be together. ike I can be more open about how I feel with them than I can with Linda. Somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to communicate my feelings or frustrations because she would give me a one-line response that inevitably brought her back to herself.

About a year ago, I finally decided to go after my dream of teaching ESL abroad and this past February, I moved to Chile for about 6 months. It was a great experience which cemented the direction I want to take my life at least for now. I've been home a few months and am planning to go off on the next adventure in spring. But the professional motivation aside, I also thought it would be good to have some space from Linda. We still wrote each other emails, but she's not big on writing, preferring phone conversation, so she wasn't venting nearly as much. I felt good with that distance and thought it might help how I'd feel about it all when coming home.

However, in June she started dating another youth minister. I've seen her only three times since I came home in August and she doesn't call me much. We haven't spoken for 3 weeks, which would have previously been unheard of. Two months ago, she apologized for not calling, saying she's been busy with her boyfriend but that I need to call her on it, keep things up because she's just so distracted with him. But I am being stubborn and not calling very much. I did initiate our last get together after she sent me a one line note via Facebook asking me what I was up to. Coming from her, who has always been so resistant to online communication, I was hurt that she didn't just call me.

I've felt pretty depressed about my social life since coming home. It's been fairly non-existent aside from spending a lot of time helping a friend with her wedding. I feel like I need to find new friends here, but I'm not sure where to begin. In some ways it's more difficult at home than when I lived in a foreign country to forge new friendships and though I'm working on my shyness, I don't know how to approach this. I never felt very comfortable in the youth ministry circle because I cannot match their devotion. I am still questioning and searching for my spirituality. I know that Linda spends all her time with her boyfriend and that circle and they are the only ones I used to hang out with here.

Part of me feels like I need to let this friendship go, but with so much history, I don't know how to find closure. I want to talk to Linda about how I've been feeling, but I don't know how to do it or how receptive she will be to hearing it. Should I try or if not, how do I end this grieving process? Thanks for listening.

Signed,
Saddened

ANSWER

Dear Saddened:

Circumstances may change but personality endures. Linda has been self-centered since high school and ditches you whenever she has the opportunity to be with a guy. When her relationship implodes, she wants you to be around to listen and provide support. You have been loyal, supportive and willing to accept a fractured friendship in the hope that it will improve. How likely do you really think it is that she will change?

You mentioned that you are shy so it's not surprising that you prefer intimate friendships rather than socializing in groups---and I suspect that it takes some effort for you to make new friends but you know you can do it. While moving to Chile was positive in pointing you in a satisfying career direction and was also good for you socially (everyone likes to befriend a new visitor), the move may have compounded your loneliness when you got back home.

Much of Linda's life (and that of her friends) revolves around the youth ministry and religion/spirituality. If that doesn't feel like a good fit for you, there is no reason to try to squeeze a square peg into a round hole. Try to find people in other places who share your common interests, not hers. Perhaps you can find new friends in your workplace or else by joining various community or civic organizations.

It may take a while but I think you are better off spending your time looking for a healthy relationship than going back to one that isn't satisfying. It's great that you had a close friendship while it lasted and it sounds like you have already reached some closure. Whether or not you want to convey your thinking to Linda, and whether she will listen, is up to you but I don't think it's necessary. You can decide to say nothing and keep the relationship more distant because Linda is likely to be more tolerable in small doses. My suggestion: Move forward and you will soon find that you are no longer looking back.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I have a much older friend than myself. She is old enough to be my Mum and I do think of her as a second Mum. We've been through a lot together, and she has fulfilled the gap of being my Mum. I have a family and husband myself but have not been close to my parents. That's another story.

The problem is my friend has been distancing herself from me the last couple of months and I don't really know why. She says she is busy with family and other commitments. I have asked if we could meet up for a face-to-face chat about our relationship but she always says she's busy, however we have been corresponding via e-mail and now our e-mails have become 'messy' and I think I've become misunderstood in what I am trying to say.

I love her dearly and I miss our outings and phone calls. I don't know what to do. I think I have really messed things up or maybe she feels that I'm too demanding. The thing is I don't really know without speaking to her. I think she is trying to give me the brush off without hurting my feelings. I don't want our friendship to end but if it is over I'll have to move on and accept that. Do you have any advice you could give?

Thanks
Alice

ANSWER:

Hi Alice,

When it's nearly impossible to make sense of a situation, it is usually because you are missing a piece of information. Similarly, in your case, you really don't know what is going on, because your "Second Mum' hasn't been willing to share the missing piece of the puzzle with you.

It could be that there are things going on in her life, completely unrelated to you, which are consuming her time or emotions. Or, as you suggest, it could be that you have become too needy or demanding, relying on her too much, and she wants some distance.

Whatever the reasons, it must be frustrating that you can't talk openly with her on the phone or face-to-face, and as you've found, it's very difficult to resolve emotionally charged topics by email.

Could you try writing a letter to her, snail mail, expressing how important the relationship has been to you in the past and how much you value it? You could tell her that you recognize that she wants more space and that you respect her feelings. Then you will have to wait and see what happens. Whatever the outcome, you will have taken an active (and gracious) step in trying to seek conciliation or resolution, and in expressing your love.

Then when you've done that, focus on other people and things in your life so that you aren't completely focused on this loss, which may or may not be permanent.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I hope that it resolves in a way that brings you some closure.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I’ve read many of your posts regarding the breakup of female friendships and I am going thru one myself as we speak. Anna and I met two years ago at graduate school. A little over a year ago, I helped get her a job at my company and we become inseparable. We did everything together from going to dinner, the movies, and jogging at the park. Also, we spent a lot of time texting and instant messaging everyday at work.  

About three months ago, Anna had met a new friend, "Lisa," and I felt replaced. Little by little, I felt pushed aside and believe that Lisa had put a rift in the friendship between Anna and me. All of the sudden, Anna and I spent less and less time together as she made for time for Lisa. The two of them would go bar hopping, swimming, and yoga together...all of the activities that I do not enjoy but Anna likes.

So, one day after I dropped Anna off home from lunch, I texted her saying that maybe we should give our friendship a break because she and I have gotten into many small arguments within the last couple of months. I said that friendship is a two-way street and I was tired of working doing all of the work. So, she texted me back saying, "Fine and take care."

The next day, I felt badly about what I said and texted Anna saying that I was very sorry and hope that she could forgive for the angry outburst. Anna texted back saying, "There is no need for you to be sorry.” She was and had always been a b$$ch to me. She said that I needed a friend that could be there for me constantly, someone to listen to me, and someone to keep me company." Anna said that she feels badly but she cannot be that kind of friend to me and for me to take care. However, she still would like to be a work acquaintance. Nevertheless, this took place over 6 weeks ago and Anna and I have not spoken since. We often avoid each other at the office because things feel so awkward.

I’ve texted Anna several times since then, asking for a face-to-face meeting. I told her that I have and will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her. Last week, she answered back saying that our friendship just doesn’t work anymore and for me to move on with my life. She said that she has nothing to say to me. 

However, despite her response, I still feel the need to have one last face-to-face meeting. The break-up of our friendship clearly had more to do than just that one text and I want real closure. So, should I try to reach out to Anna one last time or should I just let her go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to one another makes it very painful for me.  I still want to reconnect with her and be friends once more.

Marcie 

ANSWER 

Hi Marcie:

What a painful and difficult situation! In addition to losing a close friend with whom you once spent a lot of time, you still have to face her (and her new best friend) at work. That really has to hurt!

You are correct---the friendship didn’t break up solely because of the text message (although texting generally isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, as I’m sure you are now aware). But you were already seeing red flags that something was wrong: You were arguing with each other more and she was choosing to spend her time with Lisa rather than you. If Anna had wanted to, she could have brought you into their circle. She chose not to without any explanation or apology, even when pressed for one.

It’s infuriating when a decision to end a friendship is unilateral---and you aren’t the one who makes the decision. It is natural to feel hurt and angry, and to want some closure. Unfortunately, it looks like Anna isn’t ready to talk or discuss what happened. Anna may be more close-mouthed than you, in general, and have less of an interest in intimate relationships than you do. Whatever the reasons, she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about your split and while you may have been close at one time, given what has happened, it doesn’t appear like you will be able to get over this rift.

You definitely need to back off at this point and involve yourself with other friends at work and outside work. There may be some truth to Anna’s accusation that you are too needy or perhaps you are only too needy for her. You need to dig deep into yourself and think about what you asked of Anna in the past to determine whether you need to set boundaries for your future friendships.

You will be able to achieve closure when you assume control of your circumstances. When you accept that the relationship is over, you’ll feel better about the situation and about yourself. As brutal as it sounds, this isn’t the first time a good friend has been dumped and won’t be the last. You deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity, and whose personality and interests are in better balance with yours.

Focus on your work and maintaining a professional demeanor in the office. And try to forget about Anna’s relationship with Lisa: that will probably become history, too. It’s going to take some time but I promise, you will get over this trauma.

Let us know how it goes.

My best,

Irene