culture

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

Add me to the list of people who stumbled upon your blog with relief. It's really good for me to hear that this is not an entirely uncommon problem, and some of the posts on this blog have been very helpful to me.

I'm definitely one of those people who seem to be prone to friendship problems. I have this pattern of going through a friend every two years. It's weird and embarrassing (my family has even pointed out to me that I can't seem to hold on to friends.) I'm working really hard on honest self-evaluation to identify the pattern, but I haven't found one overarching tendency, just a couple of smaller ones. I'm considered going to see a therapist to work out these problems.

Friends have dumped me because I was relying on them for too much support when I was depressed (I can't blame anyone for that.) But I've also been rejected for reasons unknown (A good friend rarely invited me out and when she came to my city to visit, she visited our mutual friend and told her not to invite me.) I've also dumped some toxic friends. One friend had many mental problems I couldn't handle (she knew I suffered from depression by weaseling it out of another friend, even though I very rarely talk or complain about it.)

Right now I've been avoiding my "good" friend of two years and trying to figure out if it's worth just cutting the cord. I'm sad that I keep doing this, but all the bad signs are there, I feel anxiety when I know I have to see her, and relief when I don't. I've tried to look at her positive attributes, but she has said so many mean things that I feel sick when I have to see her. One problem might be cultural. She's a different race than me and always makes fun of blonde girls (I'm blonde.) She also makes lots of mean comments about how she is annoyed by short girls, even though she also calls me short. The worst thing though, sadly, involved a guy. I told her once that I had met someone that I liked, and she didn't seem that interested, supportive, or excited. But she's rarely supportive of good things that happen to me in general.

I don't want to go through life not having any friends that knew me when I was young, but I also don't think this is a friendship worth saving. And I'm not sure if there is a way I can tell her this. Thanks for listening.

Signed,
Dorie

ANSWER:

Dear Dorie,

First, I want to tell you how much I appreciated your candor in sharing your friendship problems. Your honest self-appraisal is the first step in resolving them.

One suggestion: Pay attention to the quality of your relationships rather than how long they last. It sounds like your "good" friend is downright mean to you. Saying cutting things and not being supportive doesn't have to do with race and culture; it's a personality issue. She doesn't sound like a good friend and if you don't enjoy being with her, I hope you'll move on to greener pastures. You deserve relationships that are supportive and reciprocal.

I don't know if you are still depressed or whether your depression has been effectively treated, but clinical depression can impair friendships. It makes you see the world in a negative light and it's also very difficult for another person, even a friend or spouse, to be around someone who is very depressed.

It sounds like you are very eager to have some healthy friendships; that is a laudable goal. Since you recognize a pattern of friendship problems that you can't explain, I think it's a great idea to speak to a professional to gain more insight into what is going on.

Thanks for sharing your story; let us know how it goes.

Best,
Irene

One political poll reported that a large majority of voters said they would be frightened if the presidential candidate—other than the one they supported—won the election. It reminded me of how we live in our own little worlds.

The differences between the parties’ candidates were great and I have to admit: Most of my friends have similar political leanings to my own. It isn’t that we agree on every issue but, in general, we have shared values--which I consider an important component of close friendships.

To tell you the truth, my world is actually so small that I even have a hard time relating to people who don’t like some of my favorite movies or television shows. How can we be friends if we don’t even laugh at the same jokes? Well the election is over and, hopefully, most of my friendships will remain intact.

Depending on how opinionated and strident a person is—whether the topic is politics or popular culture—it’s natural to feel alienated from people who aren’t like us. But just as politics has the power to make strange bedfellows, if we focus on what we have in common rather than what sets us apart, it’s a great way to build and strengthen our friendships.

In the course of my own research on female friendships, I serendipitously found the perfect mentor to teach me about male friendships and the differences between the two: Geoffrey Greif, DSW, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of the new book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships (Oxford University Press, 2008).

Dr. Greif studied 386 men and 122 women, whom he interviewed in depth about their definitions of friendship, how they made friends, how they maintained them, and whether they had ever lost friends. These questions and answers represent just a few of the lessons he learned and that he shares in greater detail in his excellent book:

Q: How do male and female friendships differ from one another?

Through listening to men and women and studying what they tell us about friendships, certain tenets about friendship can be cautiously put forth. We must be careful though about making sweeping generalizations about women’s friendships, just as we must be careful about making generalizations about men’s. Great diversity exists in the friendships of both genders---but:

• Women are more apt to say they have enough friends and that friends are important; they are less apt to say they didn’t have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family. Or, it could be as we have heard from some men: that they have a hard time connecting with other men in a way that is satisfying to them on a friendship level. They may feel they do not have enough must friends. (Grief uses four categories to describe friendships: must, trust, rust and just).

• Women are more apt to help each other than are men, by being supportive, encouraging, and “being there.” Men, on the other hand, are more apt to give their friends advice and offer their perspectives. Both mentioned the importance of listening and talking. Men tend to be fixers, and see getting something concrete accomplished as a way of helping, whereas women are more comfortable with emotional support, which sometimes involves listening without giving specific advice.

• When with friends, women spend more time shopping, going out to dine with them and going to the movies, as well as staying home with friends to cook or watch movies. Communication, as part of the relationship, is frequent for both women and men. Men, who gave fewer distinct responses to this question, are much more apt to be involved in sports-related activities, either as a participant or viewer.

• To make friends, women may reach out to others a bit more than men, and they are less concerned with finding commonalities as a basis for friendships. Men mention sports more often than women as a basis for making friends. To feel comfortable, men may be slightly more apt to need a socially acceptable arena for having a friendship begin, like a similar hobby or sports. This would be a shoulder-to-shoulder approach to friendships, as opposed to women perhaps feeling slightly more comfortable making friends without a specific activity or commonality being at the center of the friendship.

• To maintain a friendship, women put a much greater value on frequent contact than men. Men often mention being able to pick up again with a friend after little contact, whereas women place a greater value on staying in touch. Women appear to need more communication in general than men. Emotional connection is important to them, and it is often manifested by staying in frequent contact.

• Women are more apt to lose friends and more apt to try to get them back than are men. We have learned already that men are often less concerned about slights than women and so they may be slightly less apt to lose a friend because of someone’s behavior.

Q: How are male and female friendships similar?

• The words used to define friendships are similar. Being understood, trust, dependability, and loyalty are key features of friendships for both genders.

• The percentage of people who said they had a friend of the opposite sex is similar.

• The importance of friends, although slightly higher for women, is very high for both men and women.

• Women and men both make friends through their spouses and significant others.

• Women’s friendships can also be effectively grouped using the must, trust, just, and rust categories. These categories of friendships are discussed in depth in the book and help us understand our relationships with friends.

Q: What can men learn from female friendships?

Men can learn that physical and emotional expressiveness can exist in a friendship without it meaning that a man is gay. Women are much less concerned about this level of expressiveness than are men who often pull back from other men. Men are socialized to compete with and not pursue other men as friends. Unless it is sports, music, or war, emulating men, having a “crush” on them, and being physically close, is not universally acceptable.

Q: What can women learn from female friendships?

Men tend to have less complicated friendships than women. Some women, when directly asked, said they wished their relationships were more upfront and less emotionally demanding. They like the fact that men are able to resolve differences more quickly and move on.

“Cultural relevance is key,” cautions Dr. Greif. “Different sub-groups in America view friendships, women’s and men’s roles, and community connectiveness in vastly divergent ways. Anything that can be learned from men or women must be understood within such a context.”

In your own experience, which friendships do you think are stronger or more meaningful, male or female? Who takes the gold and who takes the silver?