dumped

Hi Irene,

I telephoned a girlfriend today for a chat and to see how see was doing and she hit me with a bombshell. She politely told me that she saw no point in continuing our friendship. She said she was making positive changes in her life and I wasn't included.

We have had one disagreement in the six years we have known each other. We are both busy moms and live in different towns so most of our friendship is over long phone calls. We are both Americans living abroad and we have found creature comfort in talking to a fellow-country woman.

Though I understand that we were never best, best friend-our interests are different-we were always there for each other to share joys and tears. I told her that I had to respect her decision but I admitted I was confused why she felt the need to cut it off entirely. We didn't have some screaming fight. We laughed with each other, gave support when the other needed it. I babysat when she asked and included her daughter in all my kids' parties.

She said she was looking for a best friend. Someone whom she could go out and have a drink with. She said she didn't feel like putting any energy into a phone friend. I understand what she was saying but I don't get why she had to dump me as a friend totally. Can she only have one friend at a time?

I am a mom with three little boys and a husband who comes home late. I rarely have an option of a babysitter, so nights out are even rarer still. My friend is a single mom who has one day during the week and every other weekend child-free because of visitation with the child's father. I understand her need to let loose but I thought she understood my situation too. I am sad. I miss our girl chats. I miss being her Dr. Freud. I know a lot of people in this foreign country but she was my touchstone to home and I didn't have to explain who I was because she already knew. I really feel alone.

Sincerely,
Dumpee

ANSWER:

Dear Dumpee,

It is always painful to be dumped, especially without any real explanation. To make matters worse, your friend was unnecessarily blunt and showed little respect for your feelings. Your friend's reasons for suddenly breaking off the relationship in a hurtful way are as inexplicable to me as they are to you.

There are a few things you've mentioned (and that you may have overlooked) that suggest your friendship may have been imperfect to start: While you are both ex-pats, you have different interests, fairly different lifestyles (single mom of an only child vs. married mom with three little ones), and live in different towns with few opportunities to see one another. While none of these differences are necessarily relationship killers, it sounds like there just weren't enough ties to bind you other than you country of origin.

Your life sounds pretty constricted right now (your husband has long working hours, you are still adjusting to living in a foreign country away from old friends and extended family, and you have few childcare options), so admittedly, this is a tough time to make new friends and it's natural to feel alone.

It sounds like this lost friendship may have been a relationship of convenience for the two of you. You mention that you liked being your friend's "Dr. Freud," which suggests that you were on the giving end of the relationship more than the receiving one. When relationships are tipped in one direction like that, they are often prone to fracture.

You deserve to have a close friend with whom you can share feelings-but one that is more reciprocal. My advice: Try to find a replacement closer to home. You may have more in common with someone in your neighborhood than you do with this ex-pat---perhaps, a mother of one of your children's friends. At different times in a woman's life, it may be more or less difficult to make and maintain female friendships. Before you know it, your little ones will be older and you will have more time and options.

You have a very full plate right now so, perhaps, on an interim basis you could reconnect by email to some of your friends from back home. I'm sorry this happened but I think it has more to do with her than with you. Don't over-analyze why she did it because you'll never be able to figure it out. Instead, move forward and find new ways to address your own needs for friendship.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

Dear Irene:

I came across your blog tonight. I am thankful. I am feeling desperate for some advice. I became good friends with a girl in the same town where I live. We met in February of this year. We hit it off right away. We became super close really fast. Had the same interests, desires and goals. Our daughters are 2 weeks apart. She became part of my family. We spent hours together in person, by phone or email. We took a trip to California together with our families.

Off and on I noticed she would shut down and ignore me for days. No call back, no response to emails, no texting back, etc. I thought it was odd but didn't think anything of it at the time. She claimed she wasn't feeling well, she was having marriage problems, etc.-excuses. Her marriage has been rocky since day 1. She is only married for less than one year. She is currently pregnant with her second child. Her husband and she go to marriage therapy every other week. Their communication is horrible from what she says.

She claims I "yelled" at her all the time. She blew up at me over the phone one night the end of Sept. I was shocked! Not one time did she lead me to believe that things were bothering her. I knew she was either having a bad day or not feeling well. I kept my distance, but at the same time tried to reach out in case she needed anything. She would ignore me for days, not call me back, not answer emails or texts. After a few days, she would call and pretend nothing is wrong when truly she was ignoring me on purpose. She brushed things under the mat. She never communicated her true feelings. She bottled everything inside and finally blew up at me. I had no idea.

I was crushed, disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. I considered her like my sister. I thought the world of her. I could talk to her about anything. It was devastating to hear her accusations. I don't feel I ever "yelled" at her...that's just not me. I think she might be bipolar because she was either really happy (on the high side) and other times she was sad, not wanting to talk to anybody (low side). It was extreme.

I tried to contact her, but she does not answer her phone. I sent her an email asking her to forgive me (even though I don't feel I did anything wrong), but she said she is "happy with the way her life is."

The hardest thing is that we have lots of mutual friends. We are the coordinators of a local moms group. Everyone is starting to notice that we don't talk and ignore each other. What am I suppose to tell our mutual friends? I am not trying to get girls on my side, but it has been extremely difficult to keep this from others. I truly care about her. I loved her and her family. I gave her everything. I hurt. I think about her every day. I wonder how she is doing, but can't contact her anymore. She truly slapped my face and said she doesn't need someone like me in her life.
I don't know what to do. Please help! Any advice is appreciated.

Signed,
Hurt Friend

ANSWER:

Dear Hurt Friend:

It sounds like over the course of your friendship you have observed that your friend may be facing a number of challenges/problems-that have nothing to do with your relationship with each other, per se. You've noticed that she:

• Has marital problems (which could make her feel ambivalent about becoming pregnant a second time)
• Is pregnant (which could be playing havoc with her hormones)
• Is parenting a toddler while she is pregnant (which can be challenging when things are stable)
• Has communication problems (and, specifically, has a hard time talking about little slights until they escalate and become big ones)
• Tends toward mood swings (whether or not they are symptoms of, or fall short of, a diagnosable mental disorder)

The two of you became very close within a very short period of time, perhaps because of all you had in common. You became fast friends before you really knew one another.

But even if you had known her longer, you don't always know what else is going on in another person's life. As you describe your friend, she seems to be a very moody person who gets upset over little things and who has a hard time resolving conflicts. When you first met, either her mood may have been more stable or it may have been more elevated-which can make someone extremely likable and engaging. Then, over time, you began to see her roller coaster personality emerge.

You sound like a very caring, understanding and forgiving friend. You have done everything you could possibly do to mend the friendship. Your friend may or may not be able to appreciate the friendship she has lost. There may be other things going on in her life that are consuming her.

In terms of seeing one another (which you inevitably will, if you live in the same town and have a child the same age) and handling your failed friendship with your mutual friends, my advice is:

1) Always act cordially to your friend when you meet (smile, nod or say hello).

2) Don't make any further efforts to mend the relationship unless your friend extends herself to you. Even if she does, be cautious and careful because the same thing may happen again.

3) If you are close to these mutual friends, you can say (one-on-one) that the two of you had a small tiff that you couldn't resolve. They will understand because this isn't that unusual.

4) Don't provide any details. Say it's nothing you want to talk about because you feel like it would be a betrayal. They will respect you for that.

5) Try to do things with other women so you have less time to think about the failed friendship. You deserve someone who is able to appreciate you.

Despite the hurt and pain, you just need to move on. With time, you will heal. Everyl friendship don't last forever, even the best of them.

Best wishes,
Irene

Hi Irene,

I found your blog and it is very interesting!! I recently had a break up with a group of friends. Due to circumstances beyond my control I didn't have much time to spend with them during the spring. Instead of understanding and being happy with weekly dinners or phone calls, they alienated me because I was never free to share a few beers on Fridays or Saturdays. When asked how I had hurt them enough to end a friendship I received nasty lip service that I did not even know these women had in them.

Prior to all of this happening, I was promoted at work and started dating a fantastic guy. Never once in our friendship have I been congratulated on any success I've had. They have never been kind to any men I have dated, and I've always been the first to call and catch-up.

I think due to my age (25) they are extremely immature which has led to cattiness and jealously. Regardless, of my discovery this situation is still very painful. Do you have any suggestions on how to get over this?

Thanks!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

I'm glad that you stumbled upon my blog and hope that I can give you a few thoughts that may be helpful.

It is always hard to be dumped by a friend but to be dumped by a group is wicked. It reminds me of a scene from Desperate Housewives. It is quite peculiar for grown women to gang up on someone the way these "friends" have on you. It sounds like you've made every effort to stay in contact with your friends even though you have less time available---for good reasons (dating a fantastic guy and getting a promotion at work.)

You have several options:

1) Are you certain that you haven't been flaunting your good luck to friends who are envious of you? It doesn't sound like this is the case but it's always good to step back and think about how you come across to others.

2) Are you sure that you really want to be friends with this group of women? You've characterized them as jealous and catty, and it sounds like they may be more intent on seeing you fail than seeing you succeed.

3) If you are confident that you want to remain friends, here is one strategy to try: Sometimes people show their worst sides in a group---they may be far less willing to act the same way in a one-on-one situation. Take advantage of this. Is there one person to whom you feel closer to than the rest, someone you would feel comfortable approaching and talking to honestly about how badly this situation has made you feel? Or could you develop a relationship with one of the women apart from the group?

4) Another option would simply be watchful waiting: Can you take a breather from this group and see if the problem resolves itself on its own over time? In the meantime, it sounds like you have a full life with work and the guy you are dating. Consider yourself very fortunate. Of course, that doesn't substitute for close female friendships, so try to nurture new friendships with other women.

Finally, don't feel guilty. Friendships often change over time as people grow and mature. You may be entering a new phase in your life; perhaps, it is time to assess these female friendships that you currently have to see if they are still worthwhile pursuing.

I hope you'll let us know how things work out.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I’ve read many of your posts regarding the breakup of female friendships and I am going thru one myself as we speak. Anna and I met two years ago at graduate school. A little over a year ago, I helped get her a job at my company and we become inseparable. We did everything together from going to dinner, the movies, and jogging at the park. Also, we spent a lot of time texting and instant messaging everyday at work.  

About three months ago, Anna had met a new friend, "Lisa," and I felt replaced. Little by little, I felt pushed aside and believe that Lisa had put a rift in the friendship between Anna and me. All of the sudden, Anna and I spent less and less time together as she made for time for Lisa. The two of them would go bar hopping, swimming, and yoga together...all of the activities that I do not enjoy but Anna likes.

So, one day after I dropped Anna off home from lunch, I texted her saying that maybe we should give our friendship a break because she and I have gotten into many small arguments within the last couple of months. I said that friendship is a two-way street and I was tired of working doing all of the work. So, she texted me back saying, "Fine and take care."

The next day, I felt badly about what I said and texted Anna saying that I was very sorry and hope that she could forgive for the angry outburst. Anna texted back saying, "There is no need for you to be sorry.” She was and had always been a b$$ch to me. She said that I needed a friend that could be there for me constantly, someone to listen to me, and someone to keep me company." Anna said that she feels badly but she cannot be that kind of friend to me and for me to take care. However, she still would like to be a work acquaintance. Nevertheless, this took place over 6 weeks ago and Anna and I have not spoken since. We often avoid each other at the office because things feel so awkward.

I’ve texted Anna several times since then, asking for a face-to-face meeting. I told her that I have and will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her. Last week, she answered back saying that our friendship just doesn’t work anymore and for me to move on with my life. She said that she has nothing to say to me. 

However, despite her response, I still feel the need to have one last face-to-face meeting. The break-up of our friendship clearly had more to do than just that one text and I want real closure. So, should I try to reach out to Anna one last time or should I just let her go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to one another makes it very painful for me.  I still want to reconnect with her and be friends once more.

Marcie 

ANSWER 

Hi Marcie:

What a painful and difficult situation! In addition to losing a close friend with whom you once spent a lot of time, you still have to face her (and her new best friend) at work. That really has to hurt!

You are correct---the friendship didn’t break up solely because of the text message (although texting generally isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, as I’m sure you are now aware). But you were already seeing red flags that something was wrong: You were arguing with each other more and she was choosing to spend her time with Lisa rather than you. If Anna had wanted to, she could have brought you into their circle. She chose not to without any explanation or apology, even when pressed for one.

It’s infuriating when a decision to end a friendship is unilateral---and you aren’t the one who makes the decision. It is natural to feel hurt and angry, and to want some closure. Unfortunately, it looks like Anna isn’t ready to talk or discuss what happened. Anna may be more close-mouthed than you, in general, and have less of an interest in intimate relationships than you do. Whatever the reasons, she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about your split and while you may have been close at one time, given what has happened, it doesn’t appear like you will be able to get over this rift.

You definitely need to back off at this point and involve yourself with other friends at work and outside work. There may be some truth to Anna’s accusation that you are too needy or perhaps you are only too needy for her. You need to dig deep into yourself and think about what you asked of Anna in the past to determine whether you need to set boundaries for your future friendships.

You will be able to achieve closure when you assume control of your circumstances. When you accept that the relationship is over, you’ll feel better about the situation and about yourself. As brutal as it sounds, this isn’t the first time a good friend has been dumped and won’t be the last. You deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity, and whose personality and interests are in better balance with yours.

Focus on your work and maintaining a professional demeanor in the office. And try to forget about Anna’s relationship with Lisa: that will probably become history, too. It’s going to take some time but I promise, you will get over this trauma.

Let us know how it goes.

My best,

Irene