failed friendships

There are some friends who feel like an emotional ball and chain. They’re always in need of one thing or another: money, favors, help, coddling, praise---or simply more time than you have to give.

Like a wailing toddler, they can be so demanding that their friendship tires you and weighs you down. Who needs that kind of friend? Many women do.

• People who like feeling needed---or once liked the feeling (even if they don’t anymore)
• People who feel like they aren’t worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships
• People who are stuck---either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend---and feel unable to get out of it

But if you have begun to recognize that a female friendship is a drag, you’ve taken the first step in relieving yourself of the burden.

HOW-TO UNLOAD:

• Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say “no” and setting boundaries (e.g. “Even though we are both single, I don’t want to spend every Friday night together.”)
• Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of)
• Slip away - Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory
• Take a relationship sabbatical or hiatus from the friendship (you deserve it!)
• If it's that bad, simply cut loose!

Remember, the term toxic friendships refers to relationships that are consistently negative and draining. It is the pattern, not the one-time or occasional lapses in the balance of needing that occurs between good friends. If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless.

These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It’s likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that’s why she is so dependent on you.

While most friendships have their highs and lows, toxic ones are characterized by consistent patterns of negativity.

Yet, the signs of a toxic friendship aren’t always obvious. Women tend to overlook, forgive, and forget to keep up our friendships---but here are some ways to determine if one of your friendships may be bad for you, either mentally, physically, or both. Ask yourself:

1. Does scheduling time to see your friend feel like an obligation rather than a pleasure?
2. Do you ever feel trapped when you are together?
3. Do you feel tense in her presence?
4. Does she often show off at your expense?
5. Is she never reliably there when you need her?
6. Is she self-centered, sneaky, deceitful, or disloyal?
7. Does she have habitually bad judgment? 
8. Are you giving more than you’re getting?
9. Does the relationship feel out-of-sync?
10. Do you feel emotionally drained when you are with her?
11. Do you come away from her feeling depressed?
12. When you talk, does it feel like she isn’t listening or just doesn’t get it?
13. Do you dread her phone calls?
14. Do you hate when you see her screen name online when you look at your buddy list?
15. Are her emails too long to read?
16. Does she always choose to spend her time with men, over you, given the opportunity?
17. Has she flirted with the man in your life?
18. Has she done anything to undermine your position at work?
19. Can you trust her to keep your confidences?
20. Has she betrayed you?

In a recent article in the UK Telegraph entitled, Could friendships be ruining your life? journalist Tim Shipman reports that the American self-help industry is booming as we are becoming increasingly aware of toxic friendships. He points to the pervasive use of the term in our culture---noting the growing number of popular books and TV shows on the topic (As further evidence, he adds that the subject has even been covered on Oprah Winfrey).

“The realization that friends can be the cause of unhappiness is fueling a rapid rise in the number of people consulting therapists,” writes Shipman. He reports that 10,000 psychologists and counselors are providing sessions focused on friendships. Whether or not the number is correct (and I’m not sure whether it is high or low) it raises the question of whether and when a history of fractured friendships should drive a woman into therapy.

How can you avoid the couch?

WHEN YOU ARE HANGING ON TO A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP

To extricate yourself from an unhealthy friendship, you need to overcome the guilt of leaving. Whatever the reason, if you are feeling uncomfortable in a relationship, you have the right and responsibility to put yourself first. Remember that good friendships are good for your health and happiness, but toxic ones are exactly that: toxic.

WHEN YOU ARE JILTED

All breakups are painful but particularly when they are one-sided. When that happens, it’s easy to feel rejected and take it very personally. Yet even these heal with the tincture of time. If your pain persists, talk out the problem with a sibling or spouse, or other uninvolved friend who can help you gain perspective.

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP FALLS APART

Just because you have a rift or a friendship drifts apart, it isn’t necessarily a sign of pathology. Friendships, even strong ones, come and go. If you can get over the “myth of best friends forever,” these breakups will be less painful when they occur.

When should you consider the couch?

Look for patterns. If you find that you REPEATEDLY make bad choices in friends---particularly those who are abusive, untrustworthy, and belittling---you may benefit from talking to a mental health professional. Also, if you find yourself jilted over and over and have no insight into why it is happening, you might benefit from therapy or counseling. Most professionals would agree that therapy is indicated when an individual’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors interfere with their ability to successfully carry out their roles---as friends, students, parents, partners, workers, or so forth..

The large majority of friendships tend to be dynamic, changing as individuals and their life circumstances change. While there shouldn’t be stigma or guilt associated with a broken friendship, there also shouldn’t be any stigma associated with seeking professional help when needed.

 

 

The sudden loss of a close friend can be as painful as breaking up with a romantic partner, especially if you are the one who was left behind. Read my latest article on how to handle a failed friendship on RevolutionHealth.com.