female friendship

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I am in the middle of a bad friendship and am so grateful to have found this site. Thanks everyone! I am trying to find the courage to "cut down" on the friendship but I am a person who generally will hold things in and then explode. I did this to a friend in high school and still regret it and I never want to shout horrible things at a person again. This is one of the reasons that I have been putting off cutting down or ending this current friendship. But I have been practicing being assertive instead of aggressive and I hope this will help me in this situation.

My friend and I would see each other about twice a year and that was good. We would have fun and then I could get on with my life and spend time with the friends that I had more in common with. But, idiot me, I needed a job and she was able to offer me one. I then felt obligated to go out with her more.

She was recently separated and didn't have that many people to hang out with. I had nothing else really going on so I went. Since she only -- and I really mean only -- talks about herself (I just realized that I can't recall her ever asking anyone "How are you?") I got tired of going out all the time pretty fast. I am a super fantastic listener and do not even need to talk about myself a whole lot to be happy. This post is the most I've "talked" about this situation to anyone. But when you tell someone something and they say "uh-huh, so anyway..." it makes you feel like a doormat.

I have some very nice friends that I would love to spend more time with but I am so exhausted by this friend. I will actually daydream about the "real" conversations that I have with my other friends while this friend is telling me the same story for the tenth time. You remember those "real" conversations where one person says something while the other one listens and then the other person says something while the other person listens - Ah! the good old days!

So why, after a year, am I still a slave to the phone calls and "dropping-ins"? Well, first, I just had to hang out with her when her boyfriend was out of town (She has boundless energy and is easily bored, while I need ten hours [sleep] a night!). I would say to myself, "Okay, he'll be back and it's just one night and she's been going through hell with her ex-husband and needs a friend." But it wouldn't be one night because he would be gone for work for weeks at a time and so I was apparently supposed to be his stand in. At this point it was annoying but tolerable. Looking back (hindsight!!!) I should not have gone out with someone to have a tolerable time.

Now I feel like I missed the chance to get out of this because she is in a worse state than she was before. I kept thinking that she needed me because her ex-husband was making things difficult with child custody and after she got out of this rough patch I could slowly make myself less available. Well, now her boyfriend suddenly dumps her and she is semi-suicidal. I told her that she should consider seeing a therapist and gave her the suicide prevention hotline number. She is still saying things about suicide. Now how am I supposed to tell a suicidal person that they are annoying the crap out of me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone takes the time to read my ramblings.

Good luck everyone!

Signed,

Trying to find the courage

ANSWER:

Dear "Trying to Find the Courage:"

It sounds like you have gained quite a bit of insight into yourself and your relationships over time. That's good---but now you need to act on that self-knowledge. For some reason, it seems like you have been unable to extricate yourself from a relationship that has felt very draining. Admittedly, the timing now makes your situation more challenging.

As I understand from your note, you may also work with your friend or work for her. This makes it extraordinarily difficult to disengage or cut it off without worrying about its effect on your employment, so perhaps that is another reason holding you back from doing what you know you should do.

It's nice to be helpful and supportive to friends but relationships can't be consistently one-sided; they need to be reciprocal. I'm sorry that your friend is depressed and talks about suicide (as you are). Her threats need to be taken seriously. However, you aren't the person who can help her. It was wise (and appropriate) that you suggested she seek professional help. Do you know any other family members who should be informed and might be able to step up and help her? I think you also need to tell your friend that as much as you care about her and would like to help her, her issues are too complicated for you to handle.

Try to back off gradually and spend more time with other friends. Spending large amounts of time with someone who is very depressed can be depressing. I think you need a little respite from this difficult situation, which will help provide you with more perspective.

Let us know how things go.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I have several girlfriends who seem needy to me. While we all go through difficult times, it seems they always have problems. I am unmarried, with a boyfriend who lives an hour away, I am running a business and my household and they have all of the support - husbands, children, family - which is great. But for some reason even with all this support they do not seem to have anyone to go to. I am essentially alone - which is fine and I get up everyday and do what I have to do.

Every single time I talk to any of them they are always asking me to come visit or to go out---one hour away driving from my home after I've worked all day. I don't get it. It is really annoying and upsetting to me. I want these friends to be a part of my life not my whole life.

One seems to think that I should hang out at her place while she complains about her husband and yells at her two kids. The other wants me to sit with her while she - using her words "wallows" - she has nothing to wallow about - nothing bad has happened to her. I feel like these people have no problem always asking for something from me. I am tired of it.

Signed,
Anonymous Single Person

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Single Person:

I guess your friends assume that because you don't have a husband or kids, you have no responsibilities to yourself, your business, or to other people. NOT. If this is their thinking, it makes me wonder how you ever managed to surround yourself with "several" of these self-centered people.

I am so happy that you are able to say that you are tired of these lopsided relationships. Identifying the problem, even to yourself, means that you realize you deserve much more. These people are going to continue to act the way they habitually do unless you give them a reason to change their behavior.

As a first step, set some firm boundaries (to them and to yourself) about how often you see them, where you see them, and what you do when you are together. Can you suggest that you get together and see a movie? Go to dinner? Go to a gym? Any of these would offer a more neutral turf and might also offer a much needed respite for your family-beleaguered friends.

If you're tired after a long day, you're entitled to say you that you are---why not ask them to get a babysitter or relative to watch the kids and come see you? Can you tell them that it doesn't help to "wallow" in pity and suggest that you do something else when you are together?

These are a few suggestions but I think you will need to evaluate each of these relationships that you lump together as ‘needy friendships' and figure out what you are receiving from each one. For relationships to be rewarding, they need to offer a sense of intimacy (feeling like you understand her and are understood) and a sense of reciprocity (like you are getting as much from her as you are giving). I'm not sure that these "friendships" you have described offer either.

Best,
Irene

As long as I can remember, my mom has called me at 7:46AM on every single birthday. That’s the precise time when I was born.  I remember years when I resented her calling as I was rushing to get to work or was taking advantage of a rare chance to sleep in on a weekend. Then I began to really enjoy the little ritual.

At about 7:15AM this morning, the phone rang. It was my sister calling to wish me a happy birthday. A few minutes later, my friend Betty was playing a recording of a Mañanita song on the phone to wish me a happy birthday as she had done for all her relatives in Mexico since she was a young girl. Then my friend Risa called from Maryland on my day, even though she had already called me the day before, sent a card, and sent beautiful flowers. The last call came at about 7:50; it was my friend Donna who was calling to confirm our luncheon celebration.

Before long, it was well past 8:00AM and I realized that this was the first time that my mother’s call hadn't come. From a cascade of chronic ailments, my widowed mom has become quite frail over the last year. She is sleeping later herself, and has trouble seeing and pressing the buttons on the phone with her gnarled hands. Even when we do speak by phone and visit her several times a week, she often doesn’t hear what I’m saying. She managed to have her aide help her call me later in the morning and with some help from my friends, she was able to join us for lunch in her wheelchair. A very social person all her life, she didn’t have much to say and picked at her food. Accommodating to age, loss, and disability has been a tough passage for my mom---and for me to bear witness.

Friends help us get over life hurdles, big and little, whatever they may be.  Never underestimate how meaningful an “I’m thinking of you” phone call can be on a friend’s birthday.

Have you ever poached a friend or had one poached from you? This is how it happens: Your friend introduces you to her friend and the two of you develop a friendship---independent of the friend who introduced you. If you’ve been there, done that, you’re a poacher. Or if you have introduced two friends and one of them snares the other for herself, leaving you in the dust, you’ve been poached.

Is it ethically wrong to become a ‘friend of a friend’ or is it a legitimate way to expand your friendship network? What are the rules and could they be changing?

CNN.com recent ran an article called, When social poachers snatch your friends, that posed both sides of the issue. Through one lens, poaching can be viewed as the ultimate betrayal, akin to “friend-napping.” Through another, it can be seen as a reasonable way of making new friends through vetted introductions.

A 2004 essay by Lucinda Rosenfeld in New York Magazine, Our Mutual Friend, expressed the jealousy and hurt the author experienced after she had been poached. When she learned that her two friends were planning a ski trip together---without her---she felt excluded (even though she had no interest in skiing). It harked back to the days of junior high school.

I’ve been poached, too. I had two close friends, let’s call them Marcie and Hayley, whom I decided to introduce to one another. I knew they would instantly “click” because they had so much in common: neither worked outside the home, both loved competitive tennis, and each had two kids around the same ages. It was a good hunch because they soon became best friends with each other as I drifted into the background.

Admittedly, the first time I bumped into them at Starbuck’s having coffee without me, I felt a bit strange and awkward, even hurt, but as soon as I regrouped mentally I realized that I didn’t have as much time or motivation to spend with either one of them as they did with each other. Now we get together as a threesome occasionally. Rosenfeld also found that being poached can be a blessing in disguise. Prior to the treachery, she had found herself in the unpleasant role of constantly ministering to one of the women who was needy and always crying on her shoulder. It gave her a way out.

With the booming popularity of social network sites like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn, the ethics and etiquette of friend poaching may be turning upside down. In cyberspace, becoming a friend of a cyber-friend is not only socially acceptable, but is actually one of the raison d’êtres of participation.

Being poached offline isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either. Because friendships change over time, a friendship that is 'stolen' may have long been gone. It may offer the poachee an opportunity to change, take a break from, or get rid of a friendship that was draining, all-consuming, or toxic in other ways.

The corollary: Don’t feel guilty about poaching. Unlike family or marriage, friendships have no blood or legal ties; the good ones are totally voluntary relationships that enhance our lives. Feel guilty? Remember that your new friend has the free will to add, subtract, or realign her friendships.

One caveat: Friend poaching is unacceptable, and maybe even pathological, when an individual consistently tries to derail friendships and hurt people around her.

I have a long time friend who was a single mother just like me when we first met ten years ago. I knew she was a headstrong and opinionated early on and accepted that. However, I’ve always worried a bit about her. She had a traumatic childhood; she was adopted after her mother, a drug addict, who gave her up at the age of 5.

I kept the friendship almost out of pity because I knew she felt she could always turn to me. She loses friends easily due to her tendency to be mean and hurtful. I could write a book about all the hateful things she has said to me and it would take volumes to write all the negatives things she said about my child. I put this aside because she has a good heart in there somewhere. She is very smart, clever and used to be fun, and our friendship centered on getting together to let our kids play. Over the years, I become like an Aunt to her first son.

I went on to get married; she did too. She married for money, clearly stating to me and her family that her life plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids and never ever, ever have to work. This kind of stunned me but I sort of brushed it off. Now, she flaunts her husband's money, and often makes snide remarks about my husband's occupation. She is rude to me, her family, and especially to wait staff, baristas, anyone in the service industry, as if she is a queen. She calls her husband a “meal ticket” and continues to cheat on him, saying she’s not attracted to him. She recently moved away with her family but she hardly spent any time with me before she moved, and I have to say, I was relieved not to spend time with her.

Here is the problem. I had planned to call her after she settled in her new home to finally confront her and let her know we’ve grown apart and that I need to move on. Before I did, her mother called me very upset. When I told her mother, she didn’t even know that Claire had moved. Turns out her entire family is furious with her for becoming a snob, being rude to them all, and excluding them from her life. She had a fight with her mother several months before and they haven’t talked since. The sad thing is her mother has cancer, and because my friend is so self absorbed she doesn’t even know.

I want to pick up the phone and just unleash on this person I used to know! But, I have been asked not to divulge that I spoke to her mother. Yesterday, her brother called and said he wanted me to know that he hates his "ex-sister" and that if I do speak to her that the family is very angry with her. Now I am stuck and have no idea what to do. I am not outraged, more just disappointed and annoyed and ready to move on but I have this nagging feeling that I should confront her before her family members let on that they spoke to me. I just can't find the courage to do it! Please send your suggestions.

Signed,

Anonymous in Florida

____________________________

Dear Anonymous in Florida:

First, you should be congratulated on having such keen insight into your fractured friendship. You realize the factors that brought you and Claire together: sharing the experience of being single moms and your understanding and acceptance of someone who had a hard time in life. You also realize the downsides of the friendship that you initially overlooked but caused it to end.

After each of you married, the vast discrepancy between your values towards marriage/family and Claire’s become obvious. With her new involvements with both a husband and lover---as well as a geographical move---seems like your friendship just took a natural course and drifted apart, which was a fine resolution on both ends. (It’s common to feel like there hasn’t been closure when two people drift apart although it really is a type of closure.)

Then you somehow got involved in discussions with Claire’s family which has indirectly involved you with this toxic person again. I understand how this could easily happen but it was a mistake on your part. There is no need to confront Claire over her transgressions or lack of character or to report them to her family; they are well aware of her foibles. To the contrary, you need to extricate yourself from her family drama. Don’t call her relatives and if they call you again, you can honestly say that you are Claire have parted ways and you really aren’t in touch with her anymore. Her mom’s illness is a sad fact but there is nothing you can do about it.

This fractured friendship has really been over for some time. Unleashing isn't a sign of courage and won't repair what's broken. Now, it’s time for you to more forward and replace it with healthier relationships with people you respect. By the way: Don’t be surprised if you hear from Claire again around the time of her divorce. Hopefully, if that comes to pass, you will be prepared and you’ll be too busy and involved with others---who deserve a friend like you---to get sucked in again.

Hope this helps a little.

My best,

Irene

It’s depressing to be with a friend who is truly depressed. You may even get weepy yourself. The black cloud of depression spreads over you too, making you feel like you want to escape and be with anyone else but her. But read this first!

I’ve blogged here repeatedly about the importance of female friendships to women’s emotional and physical well-being---and about the perils of toxic ones as well. I’ve talked about friends who are too needy, too self-centered, too angry, too demanding, or too unreliable and have pointed out that some friendships reach a tipping point when it’s time to call it quits. I still believe that relationships that are consistently draining should be ended or at least, placed on hold.

Then I received a post from a reader entitled, Toxic Friends May Be Crying Out for Help, which reminded me that there are exceptions to every rule---and that it is important to distinguish between a toxic friendship (which is pathological relationship) and depression (which is a mental disorder). Here's the post:

Dear Irene:

Thanks for pointing out that there are bad friends out there, However I want to play devil's advocate here and say that in 2006 when ALL and I do mean ALL 5 of my close friends bailed on me like a chain of dominoes I nearly died from the depression it caused. In the wake of that nightmare I found out I had a mental problem and needed HELP. Your call to DUMP Toxic Friendships would be better served by advocating INTERVENTION for people who may possibly be in serious trouble rather than leaving them behind like trash on the street corner.

Signed,

Anonymous

Yes, there are some cases when close friends need to cut a little slack. Could it be that your friendship feels burdensome and painful because your friend is depressed?

Recognizing depression

Clinical depression is extremely common, affecting nearly one out of ten people in a given year, and it’s is twice as prevalent in women as it is in men. It’s more than a case of the blues or a bad mood that passes. Depression profoundly affects a person’s ability to function. And as hard as someone tries to shake it, it recurs nearly every day, all day, for at least two weeks or longer.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the symptoms of depression may include:

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Irritability, restlessness, anxiety
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, waking up during the night, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Does this list of symptoms and signs make you think of one of your friends? Well, this is a reminder. As much as you might like to, you can’t talk a friend out of being depressed. Even a kick in the pants won’t help. Depression is a biological illness.

What you can do

• If you are a good friend, there are some ways in which you can help and possibly make a difference:
• You can listen carefully, provide support, and offer to spend some time doing things you enjoy together (taking a walk or bicycle ride, or going to a movie).
• You can offer to help her with concrete tasks she can’t accomplish on her own because she feels so overwhelmed or has no energy.
• Try to be patient---and never be pushy. Don’t dismiss her feelings. Show that you understand them but encourage her to realize that these feelings are only temporary and will eventually pass.
• Don’t pussyfoot around the issue. Remind her that depression is a treatable illness and encourage your friend to seek treatment.
• If she resists your initial suggestion, try again but don’t nag. Don’t make demands or set ultimatums. Many depressed people need time to find their way to treatment and some people just want to be left alone.
• If you worry that your friend may be harboring suicidal thoughts, you have certain ethical obligations. Be direct and ask her if she feels suicidal. If she does, remind her that she is important to you and that she needs immediate professional help. Never allow the burden of having a depressed friend be yours alone. Be sure to inform someone else (e.g. her partner or closest relative.) If you’re her partner, tell her doctor.

Recognize that you can only be a friend, not a mental health professional. There is just so much that friends can do and so much that they can give. You may need to reluctantly cut loose and be there for her when she begins to recover.

Note: This post is about friendship and isn't intended as medical advice.

This post can also be read on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t talked. Okay, so here’s the story:

I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th) and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied “What a f**king whore!!!!”

Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh, my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”

Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship for me to even cross).

So on 07/14, I decided to write her:

Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking of the consequences...but you are still my #1.

With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:

I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to talk yet?

Her response 2 minutes later:

Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that emails and texting is the way to go...When you are ready to call me and give me an apology, then we can talk.

My response 30 minutes later:

I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used; there was no malicious attempt. I didn't mean what I said literally. It was just bad choice of words.

She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!

Signed,
Stuck in Sunnyvale

ANSWER:

Dear Stuck in Sunnyvale:

I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.

Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this, having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.

By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your dilemma.

Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset, even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.

Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text or email.

My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know it.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m 15 going into tenth grade and I have known my friend since we were in 5th grade and we have always been really close. My mom is her second mom and her mom is my second mom. We have always had the same interest in everything until just recently. It's like we never agree on ANYTHING anymore.

We are so different now. But it’s like it happened over night. I know people change but I didn’t know how fast it could happen. I want us to stay friends forever and all but lately I don’t feel so hyper and happy around her. I feel empty and different and like it’s not the same. So I am just wondering, should I try and "repair" our friendship or do u think it would be best for me to just end it?

Thank you very, very much for reading this. I really do appreciate it. :]

Signed,

Anonymous Teen in Florida

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Teen in Florida,

It always feels bad to drift apart from a bestie with whom you once felt very close. More than likely, however, this turnaround didn't happen overnight. It just feels that way. You are just beginning to realize the differences between you and your friend, and it sounds like they are jumping out at you in living color!

People change all the time---and especially during the teen years when changes can be dramatic. This is a time when our interests and unique personalities emerge, so I'm not too surprised by your story. Even though it's common, it's still disappointing.

Do you think your friend is feeling the same way you do? I suspect that is probably the case.

It might be worthwhile to start a conversation with her and say, “Why do you think we are disagreeing so much? Do you think there is anything we can do to iron out our differences?” It's important to mention that you really treasure all the good times you've had in the past and that you hope you can work things out together.

Be prepared to give her one or two examples of why you are feeling this way. Try not to blame her---say it is something that is affecting you both.

By talking about it, you might gain more insight into what you are feeling and whether or not the friendship can be saved.

If you can't work things out, you just might need to take a breather from each other or maintain a less intense friendship. Next year or the year after, you may find that you are more in sync with one another.

Let me know how it works out.

My best,
Irene

It wasn’t my birthday or any other day celebrated by Hallmark people.  It was just an ordinary rainy day when a small beautifully wrapped packaged appeared in my mailbox to make the day stand out from the rest.

I found inside a pretty ceramic plaque with purple and pink painted letters that read “Best Friends bring sunshine to each day,’” along with a hand-written note. (I thought of hanging it above my desk but my desk is in the middle of the room so I quickly regrouped---finding a proper place over the kitchen sink.}

I’m a friendship author, friendship scholar, and friendship expert but ironically, like too many busy women I know I never seem to have enough time for my own friendships, to be the friend I want to be.

Anyway, good friends have a gift for knowing what to say and what to do at just the right time. Good friends quietly bestow the unexpected without asking---on a rainy day when it is most needed.

Oops, I blinked and I missed it. I just found out that Sunday, June 8th was Best Friends Day, which completed passed me by. I don’t know how. I didn’t even pause to pay homage to my own Besties on that day. Shame on me!

That morning one of my closest friends called while waiting for her flight at an airport terminal in Tampa. I’m sure Linda didn’t know it was Best Friends Day but she seizes every moment to catch up with me when she is waiting----sometimes in the strangest of places.

This typically includes doctors’ waiting rooms; hair salons during the trip between the sink and the stylist’s chair; dentist chairs while she is waiting for the doc after her cleaning; ladies room while she is tinkling; nail shops while she is waiting for her nails to dry; and long post office lines---to name just a few. Only a few short years ago it seems, she would call while she was waiting for her now-grown son to get dismissed from school and run to her car.

Well my promised day for me, Best Friends Day, eluded me like so many others: laundry, dishes, chores and then a brunch/fund-raiser for a local NAMI group. But it wasn’t all work and no play. I met some lovely work-friends at the event. Afterwards I came home to write one of the remaining chapters of a book on schizophrenia that I’m finishing up finally (more to come in a future post). At least it wasn’t another day of writer’s isolation which has come to characterize so many recent nights and weekends as I wait to wrap things up and get back into friendship.

They say that all good things come to those who wait. Check in with me again on August 3rd, Friendship Day. Can you please remind me if I forget?