friendship circles

One of the things that turns acquaintances into close friends is the sharing of a common bond between them. The Professors' Wives' Club revolves around four women, so different from one another that they might even appear unlikely as friends. But they share the unique connection of living in faculty housing (three of them faculty wives) at the fictional Manhattan U, a thinly disguised version of New York University.

In this breakout first novel, Joanne Rendell creates powerful characters struggling to define their roles as women and an engaging plot that keeps you glued until the end. The alternating chapters introduce the reader to Mary, Ashleigh, Sofia and Hannah whose individual stories touch upon a wide range of women's issues, such as infidelity, domestic abuse, intergenerational friendship, homosexuality, and work-life balance.

The commonality that brings these four women together is that the beautiful little garden adjacent to their University Housing, which has become their sanctuary and meeting place, The space is threatened with demolition (slated to become a parking lot) by a greedy, self-promoting Dean, a husband to one of the women.

In devising a plan to save the garden (in keeping with NYU's reputation as a hotbed of protests), they accomplish far more than they ever hoped: They develop a sisterhood that enables each woman to bravely pursue her dreams and live her life more fully. They evolve into far more than appendages to their accomplished husbands.

In the genre of The Wednesday Sisters and The Friday Night Knitting Club, the book portrays a circle of friendship that women crave and need, no matter what their role or station in life.

Joanne discussed her book's relevance to female friendships:

QUESTION:

Has it been easy or difficult to find an affinity group among faculty wives? Do you think that it is geographical proximity, similar roles, both, or is it something else that bonds you together? Does level of education play a role in helping you develop satisfying relationships with one another?

ANSWER:

Professors' wives -- and of course there are professors' husbands and partners too -- are in an interesting position. Even if they are not professors themselves (which many are), they are often deeply embedded in the university world. They live in faculty housing, they work out at the campus gym, and/or their kids go to the same university childcare. Geography and a shared involvement in campus life, therefore, means faculty wives interact more often than, say, doctor's wives or engineer's wives.

As a professor's wife myself, I've met some wonderful faculty wives, who are now my good friends, while at playground owned by New York University where my husband is a professor. Also, my husband and I are faculty-in-residence at one of the university dorms and I have met other fabulous wives through this program.

In my experience, professors' wives are an incredibly smart, strong, and spirited group of women. At the same time, we all come from very different backgrounds and have different levels of education. But I think the shared bond of the university is a strong one and provides a great backdrop in which women can find one another and foster friendships.

QUESTION:

The relationships you describe seem to be driven more by sharing a common purpose there than by a sense of intimacy between the women. Is that an accurate assessment/portrayal?

ANSWER:

It's true. The women in my book are brought together initially by the desire to take on the mean dean and save the faculty garden, rather than a sense of intimacy. Yet a real intimacy begins to grow between them as their campaign progresses. They share secrets, they support one another, and find that in spite of their differences they have many commonalities too. The novel takes place over just a couple of months and these are the first months of the women's fledgling friendship. I'm sure these women, with time, would grow deeper and more intimate bonds that would go way beyond the purpose that first brought them together.

QUESTION:

You also stayed clear of discussing any of the jealousies that might occur among a group of female friends (e.g. two becoming more friendly than the rest). Was this purposeful?

ANSWER:

Relationships between women frequently get a bad rap, in my opinion. Women are too often portrayed in film, TV, and books as bitchy, competitive, and at odds with one another. We constantly see the bitchy woman boss mistreating the young female employee; or the woman who treats her nanny like a slave; or the sisters who hate one another; or the mother and daughter who constantly fight; or the "friends" who bitch behind each other's back or betray each other over a guy.

Granted, in real life, women can be like this -- but not all the time. Women, in my experience, also have wonderful, supportive, and nurturing relationships with other women.

QUESTION:

Does playing a supporting role to an academic husband enhance the need for female friendships?

ANSWER:

Most professors' wives' I know would not see themselves playing a "supporting role." On the whole, they are independent women who have interesting and successful careers of their own. However, in many cases, the professor husband is the main breadwinner and thus his family has to follow where his job and career take him. This means many faculty wives move to university towns where they know few people and where they might have to start new jobs. Friendships with other wives or other women on campus are therefore very important -- and sustaining.

QUESTION:

Why were you drawn to write about the power of female friendships?

ANSWER:

Throughout my life, I've always been lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful female friends. When I was in grad school doing a PhD in Literature, I had some particularly incredible girlfriends. We shared a house, we supported each other, read one another's papers, and of course had a lot of fun together. It was a beautiful time! Even though I'm now married with a child, I still thrive on my female friendships. I'm currently part of a group of mums who are all, like me, homeschooling our preschool/kindergarten age kids. The women in this group are amazing -- artists, activists, doulas, writers -- and so supportive. I couldn't imagine trying to be a mum without them!

From the moment I started writing fiction, I knew I wanted to write something that celebrated these intensely loyal and positive female friendships.

The term friendship speaks to cooperation, good will, and support between two individuals. Can you befriend someone you’ve never met? I hope you will feel the same way as I do.

I don’t know Lori Hall Steele personally but feel linked to her in many ways. She is a freelance writer who has one son, a 7-year old named Jackson. Like me, she is a member of both the American Society of Journalists (ASJA) and Freelance Success. We have virtual friends in common with whom we’ve both connected on various forums.

I recently learned that Lori is battling for her life at the age of 44. The story is frightening because it could happen to any one of us. Almost a year ago, this otherwise healthy and vital young woman experienced a mysterious weakness in her feet. Then the paralysis spread to her arms and legs and she became wheel-chair bound. When she was no longer able to use her hands to write, Lori’s freelance career came to a screeching halt. Simultaneously, extraordinary medical bills started piling on. She received a modest emergency grant from the ASJA but it was insufficient to meet her accumulating debts.

In February, 2008, Lori’s mom, Shannon, moved from Florida to Traverse City, Michigan to care for her daughter and grandson. In the spring, Lori was finally diagnosed with a bad case of Lyme disease. But instead of bouncing back and recovering as everyone had hoped she would, her condition only worsened and the suspected diagnosis was a more ominous neurodegenerative disorder: Lou Gehrig’s disease (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, ALS). Lori is now on a breathing machine in a hospital bed.

I feel very proud to be part of a writing community that has circled around a woman that many have only met once or twice, or like myself, only know virtually. Because of her deteriorating medical condition and dire financial circumstances, her home appears to be close to foreclosure. While we are impotent in fighting this devastating illness, we are embarking on an effort to preserve her home, which would afford some modicum of stability to her son, mother, and her new life today.

I hope you will be inspired to read more about Lori’s plight at either http://www.savelorishouse.com/ or http://hallsteele.blogspot.com/ and decide to contribute. A yellow button makes it easy to make a small donation through Paypal. If everyone who reads my blog and those of other writers contributes just $25, we can save Lori’s house and form a friendship circle around her. Please feel free to email this post to your friends and colleagues.

To learn more about ALS, go to the NIH Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Information Page.

Sadly, Lori Hall Steele passed away on November 19, 2008. Her friends and colleagues raised more than $70,000 for her mortgage and medical bills. She willl be sadly missed in the community of writers. Click here to read her obituary. 

If your memories of the 60’s include bell-bottom pants, tie-dye shirts, the women’s lib movement, and Vietnam protests, you’ll want to read The Wednesday Sisters, a novel by Meg Waite Clayton (Ballantine Books, 2008). If your mother was of that era, you’ll want to read this book to get a glimpse into the times that shaped her.

Clayton has written an engaging story that deftly balances strong characters and an interesting account of the socio-political context of the times. Five moms, Frankie (the narrator), Linda, Kath, Brett and Ally find themselves as neighbors living in Palo Alto, California. Their shared passion for literature evolves into a writer’s circle. As the author takes us to their weekly meetings at the local park, we watch the women's personalities, intimate secrets, and aspirations unfold. With humor and pathos, Clayton portrays the prevailing attitudes of that era towards racism, divorce, motherhood, infertility, infidelity, and breast cancer.

At one point, Brett quotes Henry Adams: One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Then she questions, “What is it we’ve done so right in our lives that has made us five?” You’ll find yourself laughing and crying with the sisters, wishing you were surrounded with an any-day-of-the-week group of your own.

M. Nora Klaver is the author of MAYDAY: Asking for Help in Times of Need

I asked Nora, to think about some of the ways women can overcome the natural reluctance to ask their female friends for help.

Why are women afraid to ask other women for help?

As children, girls learn to navigate the emotional channels of relationships. As we grow into womanhood, we learn to modulate our emotions in order to attract and retain friends, supporters, and partners. Somewhere along the way, we learn to believe that friendships are fragile. In reality they are often much stronger than we imagine.

More so than men, women are concerned that asking for help will result in rejection or damaging or destroying a friendship. When we invest so much emotional energy into our relationships with others, we rarely want to risk that investment.

Women also hesitate to ask other women for help because we all want to appear capable and in control. And, asking for help implies that we are lacking something: competence, skill, energy, or knowledge. Letting another know, even another woman, that we don't have what it takes is humbling and a bit intimidating. Women, at work and at home, will burn themselves out before asking for the help they need simply because they don't want to appear weak.

Given how busy women are balancing careers and their own lives, how can they expect help from friends?

Perhaps one of the reasons we are so busy is because we aren't asking for the help we need. Instead, we decide, often quite deliberately, to take on everything ourselves. I encourage women to sit down with one another and brainstorm common lists of activities -- things we all do -- that we could share with one another. That simple support may be enough to lighten our loads. With just one task alleviated, we might be able to spend a bit more time with each other laughing over tea or margaritas. We might be able to help each other avoid the common illnesses that come from being overwhelmed or drained of energy.

For centuries, women have supported one another in Circles. My mother's own Circle, and it has been called that for decades, is still going strong though many of the ladies have passed on. At first they played bridge and talked about their children, but then they began to be there for one another. Each woman knew she could call on any of the others for help with a meal, babysitting, or finding a new job somewhere in town. Life is definitely different now: expectations are higher, women are working more out of the home, competition at work is stiff. Those differences strike me as stronger reasons for creating a powerful and supportive Circle.

Are there any hints you can offer to women about how to ask friends for help?

Sure, there are simple things to remember when you need to ask for help. First, cut yourself a little slack. We are way too hard on ourselves sometimes. Demonstrating a little self-compassion, you'll see that it is permissible for you to ask for help.

As you ask, be sure to be clear, as clear as you can, about what it is you need. Be open to other ideas that your friend may have to solve your dilemma.

Believe that everything will work out just fine. By now, you have received amazing blessings in your life. And some of the hardest times have turned out to be the best of times as well. Have a little faith. Not only will you get through your crisis more easily, but if you believe everything will be fine, your voice will remain calm and your hands will steady and your request for help will come out clear and strong.

Remember to focus on what's already good in your life. Be grateful for your friendships especially. That gratitude will relax you and help you continue the conversation with your girlfriend. I always suggest the Three Thanks Rule: say thank you when your friend agrees to help you and again when help is rendered. Then, the next time you run into your friend, quietly mention that you really appreciate what they did for you. This way, your friend will know you remember what they've done and will see how truly grateful you are.

What has been your personal experience in asking for help?

My life changed dramatically after I learned how to ask for assistance. Years ago, I was diagnosed with a tumor that needed to be removed. My boyfriend of three years reluctantly agreed to stay with me post-operatively. Two days before the surgery however, he dumped me. I ended up having to ask my elderly parents to come stay with me. I vowed then and there to have people around me who not only accept my help, but are willing to come to my aid when I need it. I have an entirely new circle of friends who have internalized the importance of supporting one another.