interview

I’m always searching for great books about female friendships so I was delighted to learn about the release of Between the Covers: The Book Babe’s Guide to a Woman’s Reading Pleasures (Da Capo Press, November 2008).  

The authors, veteran book critics Ellen Heltzel and Margo Hammond—a.k.a. The Book Babes— have compiled a list of more than 500 books to help women find the perfect book for every mood and stage of their life. The book begins: “For book lovers, Paradise means getting between the covers. It means curling up with a good book, or just finding the right one on a bookstore or library shelf, or sharing a favorite with a friend.” Clearly, these are two women who are voracious readers, and who love and appreciate books.

Dubbed the bibliophile’s Ebert & Roeper, Heltzel and Hammon have organized their book into 55 lists, with ten books in each—new books and old, fiction and non-fiction—each list organized around a theme.

The book babies graciously agreed to develop a special list for my readers, the reviews of which are adapted from their new book. Between the Covers should be a reference book on every woman’s bookshelf.

TEN BOOKS ABOUT FEMALE FRIENDSHIP from The Book Babes

Female friendships can spring out of a variety of circumstances and show their strengths in many ways. The 10 books that follow celebrate the rich bonds that women can forge.

A COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS
1. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. The patriarchal plenitude of the Hebrew Bible inspires Diamant to read between the lines and flesh out the female counterparts. Dinah, daughter of Leah and Jacob, gets passing mention in the Book of Genesis, but here she’s elevated by fiction to a fully formed community that sits in “the ruddy shade of the red tent, the menstrual tent,” where their timeless stories depict the rhythms of women’s lives. Love and motherhood are part of the picture, but so are rape, revenge and betrayal, in tales that show how women hung together to endure the hardships of an often brutal world.

A FAITHFUL FRIEND
2. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See. In 19th century China, girls were paired together at a young age to provide companionship for each other throughout their lives. See’s novel shows two of these “old sames,” focusing on a narrator named Lily who marries well and obtains the trappings of her station. Not so Snow Flower, her life partner, whose story drives home the oppressive conditions under which women lived. Lily remains faithful in spite of their diverging paths, recalling, “She was the only one who ever saw my weaknesses and loved me in spite of them.”

FRIENDS WITH A COMMON ENEMY
3. A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini. Mariam is the first wife, cruelly pushed aside when she fails to produce an heir for her Afghani husband. Laila is No. 2, the younger and prettier arrival who also suffers at the hands of the man both women come to hate. In this novel, his second after the bestseller “The Kite Runner,” Hosseini paints a picture of life under the Taliban that includes wife beating and childbirth without anesthetic as common practices. Meanwhile, Mariam and Laila demonstrate the kind of mutual devotion in which no sacrifice is too great.

FRIENDS IN TIMES OF GRIEF
4. The Knitting Circle, by Ann Hood. The death of her 5-year-old daughter, Stella, sends the fictional Mary Baxter into the bleak state of sorrow that only a caring community can quell. By joining a group of women knitters, she finds this healing community, and in the process becomes acquainted with other kinds of suffering. Gradually she learns that, while there’s no escape from sorrow, an open heart increases the capacity for joy. (Baxter is a stand-in for Hood, who subsequently wrote “Comfort: A Journey Through  Grief,” the non-fiction version of what it meant to lose her young child.)     

AN HONEST FRIEND
5. Truth & Beauty, by Ann Patchett. This prize-winning novelist takes time out from writing fiction to recall the strange and enduring friendship she formed with fellow writer Lucy Grealy, whose face was deformed by cancer that destroyed part of her jaw. As told in this loving but honest tribute, Grealy was the wounded bird who relied on Patchett to rescue her from the fallout of her reckless behavior. Grealy’s death from an accidental heroin overdose in 2002 is a loss she still mourns: “Even when Lucy was devastated or difficult, she was the person I knew best in the world, the person I was the most comfortable with.”  

FRIENDS DESPITE GREAT DIFFERENCES
6. The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew: Three Women Search for Understanding, by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner. Can people of vastly different backgrounds get along? These three mothers – all of different faiths – say yes. After 9/11, they began to meet on a regular basis to talk about being Muslim, Christian and Jewish. Their freewheeling, no-holes-barred conversations, recorded here, included such sticky topics as who killed Jesus, what is jihad and religious stereotyping. Laughing, arguing and challenging each other, through their “faith club” they become friends.

FRIENDS UNITED BY PAIN
8.  Nordie’s at Noon: The Personal Stories of Four Women ‘Too Young’ for Breast Cancer, by Patti Balwanz, Kim Carlos, Jennifer Johnson, and Jana Peters. Here, four women are thrown together after receiving shocking news: All were 30 or younger when they were diagnosed with breast cancer. Meeting at a Nordstrom café near their Kansas City homes, they became “bosom buddies,” discussing treatment choices, family reactions, the role of faith and their attitudes toward death. (Patti's family finished her portion when she lost her battle at age 29.)

FRIENDS AS CARETAKERS
9. Talk Before Sleep, by Elizabeth Berg.  Illness brings out the fierceness of female friendships like no other situation. In this novel about a woman dying of breast cancer, the focus is less on how Ruth copes with her disease than how her female friends do. Forming a support system, they bring her ice cream and lobster, fend off her heartless ex-husband and offer distracting conversation. Much to the dismay of her friends, Ruth eventually decides to spend her last days with her brother in Florida. When Ann, who narrates this tale, finally gets the call that her friend is gone, she hangs up and immediately makes another call. Halfway through dialing, she realizes whom she’s calling: “Ruth, to tell her she died.”

FRIENDS OF DIFFERENT AGES
10. Great With Child, by Beth Ann Fennelly. Friendships between women of different generations can be invaluable. Here, a poet and mother writes to a former student who is pregnant to offer her support and advice. Her missives are alternately moving, funny and practical, with an unusual honesty about just how hard it is to be a young mother. Favorite line: 'What I want to say today, sweet friend, is no matter how busy you become as the mother of a newborn, make sure you read in a good book every day, even it's just for a few minutes.”

More recommendations from The Book Babes can be found at their blog, www.thebookbabes.com.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

In this week's Baltimore Jewish Times, journalist Amy Landsman wrote an article called, We're friends, our children aren't. She describes some of the challenges of balancing mom friends and kids friends.

It begins: You’re pregnant! And so is your BFF! Instantly, you dream about play dates, outings around town, even vacations that your growing families can share. And for a few years, that just might happen. But one day, the kids get that independence thing going, and little Johnny or Susie announce they just don’t like little Hannah or Joshua. What do you do?...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to add my two cents, Amy! You can click the link above to read the article. What do you think?

 

 

Some of the most painful and unexpected girlfriend breakups occur during the roller-coaster middle-school years. Alexa Young’s engaging new teen novel, Frenemies (HarperTeen, 2008) is a book that moms will want their daughters to read in preparation for this rude awakening. The book tells the story of two eighth-graders and BFFs, Halley Brandon and Avalon Greene, who have always agreed on everything. But after spending a summer apart, they’ve changed—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.

Alexa graciously agreed to answer my questions about her book.

Why did you decide to focus this series on middle-school girls?

Because my editors made me (!)—but with very good reason. After all, middle school is arguably the time when female friendships can really start to unravel, largely because girls go through so many life-altering changes during those years. Obviously, there are all the puberty-related physical and emotional changes, as well as all sorts of new social and academic pressures. It’s also the time when most girls really start to break away from the familiar voices of authority in their lives, to develop a more independent outlook and pursue new friendships, romantic interests, ideas about what they want their future to look like. All of these things can cause huge shifts and upsets with the people we’re closest to—and that’s what the FRENEMIES series is all about: Growing up and changing and drifting apart (and then lashing out at the people closest to you in really inappropriate ways!). Obviously, these issues don’t stop once you make it through middle school, but the tween years are typically when it all starts and when every tiny event in your life can feel like the biggest deal EVER. If your friend doesn’t invite you to spend the night, your crush doesn’t notice you, you don’t get the must-have outfit or get to go to the biggest party of the year…YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OVER! It really does feel that way. I know it did to me.

Why are female friendships so turbulent during this period?

Again, I think it has a lot to do with all the changes we go through and how much that can feed our insecurities as well as spark a lot of envy and jealousy. Some girls may be developing more quickly or slowly than others, some may be getting involved in romantic relationships, some may be exploring new ways of expressing themselves—whether in the way they choose to dress or by making new friends or joining new clubs and pursuing sports or other extra-curricular activities. Some may be taking their academics more seriously than they ever have in the past. All of these things fuel a lot of excitement as well as confusion, self-doubt and—potentially—a whole host of awfully dramatic mean-girl maneuvers between supposed “friends.” Speaking from personal experience, I was horribly self-conscious about the fact that most of my friends went through puberty in middle school while I was still waiting for all those “developments,” and that they were all starting to “go out” with guys while I was pretty nervous and awkward around the opposite sex. I was a real late bloomer, and seeing all my friends advancing in physical and social ways sparked plenty of self-doubt. On the other hand, I began to flourish academically and in extra-curriculars, which helped to balance me out but definitely took me in new directions as far as my friendships were concerned.

How can a pre-teen or teen tell a frenemy when she meets one?

I think the red flags are there no matter what your age. There are the obvious acts of betrayal, like talking behind your back or stealing your boyfriend—but I don’t think those are nearly as common as some of the more subtle ways a frenemy shows her true colors. That might include talking about herself but never taking the time to listen to you; only coming to you when she needs or wants something; not supporting your interests or goals; becoming threatened, jealous or envious—rather than excited for you—when things are going your way; constantly trying to one-up you; disappearing whenever you need her (e.g., when she gets a “better” offer to do something with someone else). Most important, it’s a feeling you get when you’re around her: You don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t like who you are, you don’t feel confident being yourself around her, you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with her.

What are the lessons you try to teach in this book?

I’m actually not trying to teach any lessons at all. I think the moment you make a conscious effort to convey a particular message—at least in a work of fiction—it winds up backfiring because it’s only going to come across as preachy and moralistic. As my editors say, “You’re not writing an after-school special!” Particularly when you’re writing for teens, they’re going to see right through that kind of thing and run screaming for something less obvious. So all I’m really trying to do is tell the story with humor and heart. That’s not to say there aren’t deeper messages in there, though, because I think there definitely are—they just weren’t messages I consciously tried to deliver. Some of the takeaways that I think (hope!) shine through: That insecurities can drive us to do absurd things to the people we care about the most in our lives—and that that can be awfully unproductive; that it’s okay to pursue new interests and express yourself in new ways, and that people who’ve truly got your back will support you; that if you’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable or hurt around your friend, you need to explore those emotions—possibly with her—rather than lashing out and making the problem worse. I think the book illustrates what not to do a lot more than what to do, though! I guess that’s why, ultimately, it comes across as fairly light and humorous with subtle messages woven in, when all is said and done.

Can frenemies ever really turn into besties at the end?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship and what’s causing the tension. If one friend betrays or hurts another in an unforgivable way, then I think it’s going to be awfully hard to get past that. However, if it’s a matter of two people drifting apart and pursuing different paths, I firmly believe they can be best friends again—if and when their paths and interests and lives converge again. It may take years, even decades, for them to find that common ground…but I absolutely think it’s possible.

How can moms help their daughters learn to navigate female friendships?

Wow. Great question. As a fairly new mom myself, I think the biggest thing all parents can do—no matter how old their children are—is to lead by example. A mother who has loving, supportive female friendships in her life is probably going to do a great job of raising a daughter with the same. Beyond that, I think moms can encourage their daughters to pay attention to how they feel when they’re around their friends, and to honor those feelings and instincts. As I mentioned before, if your daughter feels insecure or unhappy or unable to be herself in the presence of her friends, that’s a major problem and something that needs to be addressed—most likely, she needs to make some new friends. Another really important message Moms can reinforce: Don’t view differences between yourself and other girls as a sign that any of you are doing anything wrong. All relationships are about the right fit—so if you don’t connect or click with a particular person, that’s doesn’t have to mean one of you is any better than the other…it just means you’re not meant to be friends. Emphasize that everybody is different—not better or worse.

About the author: Alexa Young spent the first several years of her professional life working in the music industry and subsequently worked as an editor for the now-defunct teen magazine JUMP, as well as for SHAPE magazine. As a freelance writer, she’s contributed to a number of national consumer magazines, including Marie Claire, O: The Oprah Magazine and Family Circle. She holds a bachelor's degree in Literature/Writing from the University of California, San Diego, and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, son and dog. FRENEMIES is her first novel. The second book in the series, FAKETASTIC, is scheduled for a January 2009 release.

M. Nora Klaver is the author of MAYDAY: Asking for Help in Times of Need

I asked Nora, to think about some of the ways women can overcome the natural reluctance to ask their female friends for help.

Why are women afraid to ask other women for help?

As children, girls learn to navigate the emotional channels of relationships. As we grow into womanhood, we learn to modulate our emotions in order to attract and retain friends, supporters, and partners. Somewhere along the way, we learn to believe that friendships are fragile. In reality they are often much stronger than we imagine.

More so than men, women are concerned that asking for help will result in rejection or damaging or destroying a friendship. When we invest so much emotional energy into our relationships with others, we rarely want to risk that investment.

Women also hesitate to ask other women for help because we all want to appear capable and in control. And, asking for help implies that we are lacking something: competence, skill, energy, or knowledge. Letting another know, even another woman, that we don't have what it takes is humbling and a bit intimidating. Women, at work and at home, will burn themselves out before asking for the help they need simply because they don't want to appear weak.

Given how busy women are balancing careers and their own lives, how can they expect help from friends?

Perhaps one of the reasons we are so busy is because we aren't asking for the help we need. Instead, we decide, often quite deliberately, to take on everything ourselves. I encourage women to sit down with one another and brainstorm common lists of activities -- things we all do -- that we could share with one another. That simple support may be enough to lighten our loads. With just one task alleviated, we might be able to spend a bit more time with each other laughing over tea or margaritas. We might be able to help each other avoid the common illnesses that come from being overwhelmed or drained of energy.

For centuries, women have supported one another in Circles. My mother's own Circle, and it has been called that for decades, is still going strong though many of the ladies have passed on. At first they played bridge and talked about their children, but then they began to be there for one another. Each woman knew she could call on any of the others for help with a meal, babysitting, or finding a new job somewhere in town. Life is definitely different now: expectations are higher, women are working more out of the home, competition at work is stiff. Those differences strike me as stronger reasons for creating a powerful and supportive Circle.

Are there any hints you can offer to women about how to ask friends for help?

Sure, there are simple things to remember when you need to ask for help. First, cut yourself a little slack. We are way too hard on ourselves sometimes. Demonstrating a little self-compassion, you'll see that it is permissible for you to ask for help.

As you ask, be sure to be clear, as clear as you can, about what it is you need. Be open to other ideas that your friend may have to solve your dilemma.

Believe that everything will work out just fine. By now, you have received amazing blessings in your life. And some of the hardest times have turned out to be the best of times as well. Have a little faith. Not only will you get through your crisis more easily, but if you believe everything will be fine, your voice will remain calm and your hands will steady and your request for help will come out clear and strong.

Remember to focus on what's already good in your life. Be grateful for your friendships especially. That gratitude will relax you and help you continue the conversation with your girlfriend. I always suggest the Three Thanks Rule: say thank you when your friend agrees to help you and again when help is rendered. Then, the next time you run into your friend, quietly mention that you really appreciate what they did for you. This way, your friend will know you remember what they've done and will see how truly grateful you are.

What has been your personal experience in asking for help?

My life changed dramatically after I learned how to ask for assistance. Years ago, I was diagnosed with a tumor that needed to be removed. My boyfriend of three years reluctantly agreed to stay with me post-operatively. Two days before the surgery however, he dumped me. I ended up having to ask my elderly parents to come stay with me. I vowed then and there to have people around me who not only accept my help, but are willing to come to my aid when I need it. I have an entirely new circle of friends who have internalized the importance of supporting one another.