jealousy

Dear Irene,

Just want to say thank you for this blog. I just walked away from a very painful friendship that almost ripped off my self-esteem. It is true that I have not always been the most confident person, but I have never encountered anyone like this before. She is always judgmental, negatively critical, pessimistic, and uses emotional blackmail. When I read your 20 ways to spot a toxic friendship, I answered YES to 16 questions.

It took me a year to finally be decisive and realize that the friendship wasn't worth saving. What pains me the most is the fact that she has always been envious of me even though she has the same things that I have. I never feel comfortable sharing my happiness or success with her. It really hurts because I see her as a sister and have always wished her well so it feels like a betrayal.

Now that I have walked away she accused me of abandoning her and took this opportunity to play the victim in front of others. She keeps saying I hate her and never want to see her again. People have no idea that I am just putting up my boundaries and protecting my mental well-being.

I have been patient, forgiving and understanding over the past three years. All she did was take me for granted. Although it is over, sometimes her negativity still bothers me and some of the hurtful remarks are hard to let go of. Nonetheless, at least now I am certain I no longer want her close to me. I am determined to move on and want nothing to do with her. The writings in your blog help me a lot, knowing that a lot of people have experienced the same thing. So once again, thank you and all the best for your forthcoming book.

Signed,
Bruised

P.S. I hope you will write more about envy among friends. I have experienced it a few times and surprisingly enough, people who are envious of me are almost always those I consider my best friends. I find this very difficult to understand. It is okay to feel jealous of someone - wishing you have what they have. I feel that way sometimes, too. But I am always happy for every success and happiness of my friends, and I never take pleasure in seeing them miserable. It is sad how some people can only sympathize with someone's misery but not their happiness.

ANSWER:

Dear Bruised:

Thanks for raising the topic of envy although I'm sorry that you feel bruised by an envious friend. It is always disappointing when a friend falls short of meeting our expectations.

Because we are all different, it's a natural instinct for each of us to compare ourselves to others. We tend to gauge ourselves by how we stack up against our friends and acquaintances along a variety of dimensions-e.g. looks, intelligence, career success, wealth, material possessions, and social cache. Most times, we realize that while our friend may have X, we are lucky to have Y.

However, women with low self-esteem, or who are depressed, tend to focus exclusively on their shortcomings and are bitter about what they perceive as the advantages or good fortune of others. Taken to its extreme, such an individual can be very self-involved, hostile and cutting. It's natural to feel envious occasionally but if this is a persistent pattern, it can be toxic to a friendship. (By the way, jealousy is an attitude of possessiveness when someone feels that a valued relationship is threatened; envy is a broader concept that can include coveting another person's characteristics or possessions).

An excess of envy makes for an uncomfortable relationship because you can't be open and share your successes. If you do, you run the risk of making your friend feel more badly about herself. After three years, it sounds like you have finally realized that your friend is consistently envious and resentful and you have become confident enough to let go of the friendship. It's unfortunate, but predictable, that your friend felt more threatened and put down, becoming more openly hostile to you when you decided to distance yourself from her.

Stick with your decision because it isn't very likely that your friend will change: She is who she is. On the other hand, make sure that you aren't falling into the trap of choosing best friends who feel one-down to make you feel one-up. Solid friendships need to be reciprocal---with two friends looking up to one another.

My best,

Irene

Hi Irene,

I found your blog and it is very interesting!! I recently had a break up with a group of friends. Due to circumstances beyond my control I didn't have much time to spend with them during the spring. Instead of understanding and being happy with weekly dinners or phone calls, they alienated me because I was never free to share a few beers on Fridays or Saturdays. When asked how I had hurt them enough to end a friendship I received nasty lip service that I did not even know these women had in them.

Prior to all of this happening, I was promoted at work and started dating a fantastic guy. Never once in our friendship have I been congratulated on any success I've had. They have never been kind to any men I have dated, and I've always been the first to call and catch-up.

I think due to my age (25) they are extremely immature which has led to cattiness and jealously. Regardless, of my discovery this situation is still very painful. Do you have any suggestions on how to get over this?

Thanks!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

I'm glad that you stumbled upon my blog and hope that I can give you a few thoughts that may be helpful.

It is always hard to be dumped by a friend but to be dumped by a group is wicked. It reminds me of a scene from Desperate Housewives. It is quite peculiar for grown women to gang up on someone the way these "friends" have on you. It sounds like you've made every effort to stay in contact with your friends even though you have less time available---for good reasons (dating a fantastic guy and getting a promotion at work.)

You have several options:

1) Are you certain that you haven't been flaunting your good luck to friends who are envious of you? It doesn't sound like this is the case but it's always good to step back and think about how you come across to others.

2) Are you sure that you really want to be friends with this group of women? You've characterized them as jealous and catty, and it sounds like they may be more intent on seeing you fail than seeing you succeed.

3) If you are confident that you want to remain friends, here is one strategy to try: Sometimes people show their worst sides in a group---they may be far less willing to act the same way in a one-on-one situation. Take advantage of this. Is there one person to whom you feel closer to than the rest, someone you would feel comfortable approaching and talking to honestly about how badly this situation has made you feel? Or could you develop a relationship with one of the women apart from the group?

4) Another option would simply be watchful waiting: Can you take a breather from this group and see if the problem resolves itself on its own over time? In the meantime, it sounds like you have a full life with work and the guy you are dating. Consider yourself very fortunate. Of course, that doesn't substitute for close female friendships, so try to nurture new friendships with other women.

Finally, don't feel guilty. Friendships often change over time as people grow and mature. You may be entering a new phase in your life; perhaps, it is time to assess these female friendships that you currently have to see if they are still worthwhile pursuing.

I hope you'll let us know how things work out.

My best,
Irene