making friends

One of the nice things about traveling is that every trip offers opportunities to make new friendships or nurture old ones--if you make it a priority and take the time. You could ask an old friend to travel with you or simply engage in conversation with a potential new friend you meet across the aisle on a plane.

You can rekindle an old friendship by making plans to meet someone from your past who lives en route or at your destination (perhaps someone you knew from childhood or college).Or you can take a chance and catch up with someone you only knew virtually.

Every connection starts with one person being brave enough to make a move---to take the initiative and hope the other person will respond in kind. As scary as it might feel at the moment you do it, it usually works.

Last weekend, I was visiting family in Westlake Village, California and took advantage of a serendipitous opportunity to meet Victoria Clayton-Alexander, another writer whom I knew lived just a few blocks away. I invited her to visit me at their home and a few hours later, she arrived with a smile on her face and a box of yummy Italian pastries. We all sat around the kitchen island drinking coffee and the conversation flowed effortlessly. I soon realized that she and I had many more connections than our writing.

High on that experience, a few days later when I got to a meeting in Phoenix, I emailed another writer I had only known virtually before. Jackie Dishner, a fellow member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, responded enthusiastically and was willing to meet at my hotel. We were soon sitting on lawn chairs drinking iced tea in the warm Arizona sun while we exchanged stories about our work and our lives.

Yes, instead of making these connections, I could have visited another museum, spent more time with my husband, gone shopping, or fallen into the trap of staying on top of my email in my hotel room, but these brief interludes turned out to be amongst the most memorable of my trip---and I have every hope that the friendships will be lasting ones.

Do you have any stories of travel and friendship to share? Have friends enhanced your travel or has travel enhanced your friendships?

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I love your blog (well, love it AND hate it, because I see myself in too many of these posts!). You concentrate on "fractured friendships" and right now I'm feeling low because the Sex and the City movie is about to appear in theaters...my favorite series, and I have no gal pal to go with.

While others are organizing SATC movie parties, my two best girl friends long ago "fractured" (well, they were complete breaks) our friendships. One was my girlfriend since high school days who was my maid-of-honor, and lives far away from me; the second, a more local gal who took her place, and then gave up on me over a year ago. Inboth instances, they ended the longtime friendship because they disapproved of my having an affair (an affair that's lasted longer than either of these friendships, I might add...over 20 years). I never put any limits on my friendships with women OR with men; I love them for who they are, both the good and the bad traits. I don't judge.

But now with the SATC movie out, I guess I'll just have to go alone to a matinee andgrin and bear it. I even asked my (woman) hairdresser yesterday when I was getting a haircut/color if she wanted to go with me (she's half my age, and we are friendly but not quite "friends") and she replied she "hates going to movie theaters." [Darn those Gen Xers!]

Just wanted to bring this to your attention. This can be tough for women sufferingfrom "fractured friendship syndrome.” I have plenty of male friends -- much to my husband's chagrin -- none of whom would be caught dead in that movie theater with me next Friday! Keep up the good work.

Signed, Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks so much for reading my blog and sending your note.

Sounds like you are experiencing a friendship deficit, something that many women experience from time to time. It's been there but reading my post about Sex and the City probably made you more aware of it. That's good! Now you know you want to make more new friends. And just like relationships with men, you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you meet a prince.

Not wanting to see the movie with you doesn't mean your hairdresser rejected you. Instead, it may suggest that the person you selected may be a poor fit for you. I find that I have a hard time being friends with people who don't laugh at Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld, two of my favorite TV shows. It's not a fatal flaw but often is suggestive that there may be too many differences between me and someone else to be really close to one another. I do think that you can tell a lot about a friend by the entertainment she likes.

My suggestion would be to go see the movie alone. I'm sure you won't be the only "single" there. Sit next to someone else who is alone and start up a conversation. If you can't find an empty seat that fits the bill, having seen the movie will still serve as fodder for conversation with another potential female friend.

You seem to have no problem making male friends so you certainly have the relationship skills you need. Just put yourself in more situations with other women and give your relationships time to grow.

My best,
Irene

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Female Friends -40's (santa clara)
Reply to: comm-356333757@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-20, 10:18AM PDT

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