marriage

I have a long time friend who was a single mother just like me when we first met ten years ago. I knew she was a headstrong and opinionated early on and accepted that. However, I’ve always worried a bit about her. She had a traumatic childhood; she was adopted after her mother, a drug addict, who gave her up at the age of 5.

I kept the friendship almost out of pity because I knew she felt she could always turn to me. She loses friends easily due to her tendency to be mean and hurtful. I could write a book about all the hateful things she has said to me and it would take volumes to write all the negatives things she said about my child. I put this aside because she has a good heart in there somewhere. She is very smart, clever and used to be fun, and our friendship centered on getting together to let our kids play. Over the years, I become like an Aunt to her first son.

I went on to get married; she did too. She married for money, clearly stating to me and her family that her life plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids and never ever, ever have to work. This kind of stunned me but I sort of brushed it off. Now, she flaunts her husband's money, and often makes snide remarks about my husband's occupation. She is rude to me, her family, and especially to wait staff, baristas, anyone in the service industry, as if she is a queen. She calls her husband a “meal ticket” and continues to cheat on him, saying she’s not attracted to him. She recently moved away with her family but she hardly spent any time with me before she moved, and I have to say, I was relieved not to spend time with her.

Here is the problem. I had planned to call her after she settled in her new home to finally confront her and let her know we’ve grown apart and that I need to move on. Before I did, her mother called me very upset. When I told her mother, she didn’t even know that Claire had moved. Turns out her entire family is furious with her for becoming a snob, being rude to them all, and excluding them from her life. She had a fight with her mother several months before and they haven’t talked since. The sad thing is her mother has cancer, and because my friend is so self absorbed she doesn’t even know.

I want to pick up the phone and just unleash on this person I used to know! But, I have been asked not to divulge that I spoke to her mother. Yesterday, her brother called and said he wanted me to know that he hates his "ex-sister" and that if I do speak to her that the family is very angry with her. Now I am stuck and have no idea what to do. I am not outraged, more just disappointed and annoyed and ready to move on but I have this nagging feeling that I should confront her before her family members let on that they spoke to me. I just can't find the courage to do it! Please send your suggestions.

Signed,

Anonymous in Florida

____________________________

Dear Anonymous in Florida:

First, you should be congratulated on having such keen insight into your fractured friendship. You realize the factors that brought you and Claire together: sharing the experience of being single moms and your understanding and acceptance of someone who had a hard time in life. You also realize the downsides of the friendship that you initially overlooked but caused it to end.

After each of you married, the vast discrepancy between your values towards marriage/family and Claire’s become obvious. With her new involvements with both a husband and lover---as well as a geographical move---seems like your friendship just took a natural course and drifted apart, which was a fine resolution on both ends. (It’s common to feel like there hasn’t been closure when two people drift apart although it really is a type of closure.)

Then you somehow got involved in discussions with Claire’s family which has indirectly involved you with this toxic person again. I understand how this could easily happen but it was a mistake on your part. There is no need to confront Claire over her transgressions or lack of character or to report them to her family; they are well aware of her foibles. To the contrary, you need to extricate yourself from her family drama. Don’t call her relatives and if they call you again, you can honestly say that you are Claire have parted ways and you really aren’t in touch with her anymore. Her mom’s illness is a sad fact but there is nothing you can do about it.

This fractured friendship has really been over for some time. Unleashing isn't a sign of courage and won't repair what's broken. Now, it’s time for you to more forward and replace it with healthier relationships with people you respect. By the way: Don’t be surprised if you hear from Claire again around the time of her divorce. Hopefully, if that comes to pass, you will be prepared and you’ll be too busy and involved with others---who deserve a friend like you---to get sucked in again.

Hope this helps a little.

My best,

Irene

Dear Irene,

I have experienced a catastrophic rift with my friend of over 10 years. "Em" and I met in college, and we've been through lots of life changes since then. Over the years, I've introduced her to all of my friends and she has become a fixture at our social gatherings.

Our relationship began to sour after I met my husband a few years ago. She is resentful that he has "replaced her" and that I am happy in life while she goes through a series of failed relationships and failed jobs. I feel increasingly that I can never do enough to be a good friend to her.

So, after she said some profoundly hurtful things to me, I decided the best thing to do is make more room in my life for my healthy friendships and relationships. The only problem is: I don't know what to do about our mutual friends. I have no intention of telling them to choose sides, because that would be childish. But I fear that she will sabotage those friendships, and I don't know how to go about protecting them while I remove her from my life.

This Thursday, there's a joint birthday party for two mutual friends. We have both RSVP'd. What do I do?

Signed,

Anonymous in Virginia

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous in Virginia:

Of course, you should go to your friends’ birthday party. You may feel a bit uncomfortable but it won’t be too bad. Just say hello to “Em” and focus your attention where it should be---on the Birthday Girls.

Friendships change as our life circumstances change. If you met your friend ten years ago at college, consider how you’ve changed and grown since then, and all the other changes that have taken place in nearly every other realm of your life. Isn’t it natural that the nature of the friendships you need and enjoy might change as well? As one example, you met “Em” before you met your husband. Prior to that, as two single women, you may have had more in common and therefore, you may have been more patient in catering to her whims and neediness.

Now that you have insight you have no choice but to break lose. Over time, connections between close friends become tangled like vines. Friendships that begin as twosomes extend to relationships between families and groups---and the risk of collateral damage after a breakup is real.

While you may suffer some losses, my hunch is they won’t be significant ones. If “Em” is grating, she probably is just as grating on your mutual friends. (She may even be worse without you as a buffer.) Your true friends will remain your friends.

Forget the hurtful things “Em” said and let go. If anyone at the party asks what happened, say that you drifted apart without going into details. If “Em” goes on to intentionally sabotage your mutual friendships, smart women will see right through her.

Like you, even couples who split---married or not---have legitimate concerns about subsequent fallout. But if you recognize your relationship with “Em” is toxic, you have no choice but to go forward with the split---or at least a friendship sabbatical.

Please get the word “catastrophic” out of your head. Yours is not the first friendship to fracture and yours won’t be the last. The relationship with “Em” was a good one when it was more reciprocal. I know that the change still feels painful but you have lots of supports in your life and things will smooth out over time. Let me know how it goes and thanks for reading my blog.

Sincerely,

Irene

Do you have a question about female friendships that is bothering you? Please write me at Irene@fracturedfriendships.com and I’ll try to answer as many of them as I can.

Might it be time to call it quits?

QUESTION:

My best friend is finally dumping her jerk husband of more than a decade and I'm glad about that but it's all wearing me to a nub.

Her frenzied dating is making me nuts. She talks about her boyfriends constantly, and about how many men are chasing her. She is convinced her life will be right back on track when she has a boyfriend, even though the divorce isn't even final yet.

She's really into psychotherapy which I hope might help her. I think she needs to stabilize before she gets involved with anyone but who am I to say? I don't know how to be supportive, honest, and not make my tongue bleed by biting it all at the same time.

I used to think that when she finally got away from her husband, who was emotionally abusive, she would grow into the woman she could be and our friendship would deepen. Now I just don't know. I'm feeling distant from her and irritated.

Please help!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time supporting your BFF’s choices almost as long as you’ve known her but you deluded yourself into thinking her rotten choice of mate was circumstantial: that she simply picked the wrong guy and had a hard time getting out of it.

In large part, people choose their circumstances, and if they don’t because they’ve fallen into them by mistake, they do have the free will to change them. Eighteen years of abuse must have eroded your friend’s self-esteem completely. What half-normal person would put up with all that stuff for that long?
Admittedly, this is probably a very difficult time for your BFF. She must worry about whether she will eventually land on the ground with both feet standing---and you may be wondering the same thing about her too!

Being indiscriminately “boy-crazy” diverts a woman from thinking about their own life (How do I know? Been there, done thatJ). Her interest in psychotherapy suggests that on some level, she would like to find her true self.

But let’s get back to you. It’s impossible to support a friend when you consistently don’t support her choices, unless she has other qualities that outweigh the negative ones. The value of every female friendship is determined by how well it meets our needs---I like to call this the concept of reciprocity. Friendships usually work when two friends feel like they are giving each other more---or at least as much---as they are getting. Sounds like this one isn’t working for you.

In this circumstance, what are your choices? You can leave things as they are and bite your tongue (but I think you are having a problem doing that or you wouldn’t have written to me). You can tell her things she isn’t ready to hear. Or there is one more approach that I think is the most prudent. I suggest that you take a friendship sabbatical.

You need to step back and give your friend time to work things out---and you need to give yourself time to think about whether the friendship is worth the angst. You can tell your friend that you need some time and space for yourself but you really care about her and what she is going through. In the meantime, spend more time with other friends and see if they can fill the deficit. Let me know what you decide and how it goes.

Best, Irene

Earlier today, I was very pleased to interview Dr. Bella DePaulo about friendship and the single woman.

Dr. DePaulo is a social psychologist living in Summerland, CA., and the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. She blogs for the Huffington Post, and has published op-ed pieces in newspapers such as The New York Times, Newsday, and The San Francisco Chronicle.

I'll post the second part of her interview tomorrow.

How are friendships among single women different than those among married women? Are friendships any less or more important to single women?

Most Americans believe in a hierarchy of relationships, in which the marital relationship comes before all other peer relationships, even with the closest of friends. For those married women who believe in this ranking, their female friends will always come in second (at best). Single women have more freedom to value their friendships with one another more than any other relationship – if they wish to do so.

Because so many Americans (myself included) are so ahistorical in their knowledge and outlooks, they are often surprised to learn that the prioritizing of the marital relationship in our affections is not timeless and is not universal. Historians such as Nancy Cott and Francesca Cancian have pointed out that in other times, such as the late 18th and 19th centuries, intensely close friendships between women flourished. In fact, women often expected to find their only truly equal and reciprocal relationships with other women.

So, in the big historical and cross-cultural picture, people who deeply value their closest friendships, and find more emotional closeness there than in other relationships, are not at all unusual.

Are there any special pressures that single women feel? (For example, one woman told me that she felt like she had to spend every Friday night with her girlfriend)

Friendship is such an individualized relationship. People differ tremendously in how close they need to feel to someone in order to consider that person a friend. The norms for friendship are less clear than they are for some other relationships, too. So you can end up with a friend who expects you to spend every Friday night with her. But I’m not so sure that things are all that different for couples. There are many couples who seem to feel obligated to spend every Friday night with another particular couple or two. There can be something unfortunate about this tendency: Sometimes a person only likes one of the two people in the couple, but they don’t get to spend their valuable leisure time solely with the one person they really do like. The person they like “comes with” a boring or annoying partner.

Visit Dr. DePaulo's website at www.BellaDePaulo.com.

An interview with Valerie Krause

June weddings are legend. A better-kept secret is that this is also a month of hurt feelings--- a month when many brides and brides-to-be cut off their female friends. Yes, they ignore and alienate the very same women who made their showers, wore the hideous bridesmaid gowns they selected, and broke the bank to buy them wedding gifts.

Valerie Krause and Erin Torneo wrote The Bridal Wave as a prescription for all the women who strive to “stay sane in a marriage-crazy world.” It’s filled with wisdom and wit for the woman who feels like she is always a bridesmaid.

In this brief interview, Valerie offers her no-nonsense advice for a close friend of the bride who feels betrayed on some level, but wants to stay attached to her friend before and after the wedding.

In a May 8th Associated Press story in the South Bend Tribune, Friendships Can Be Altered by Marriage, journalist Maggie Koerth-Baker makes the point that nurturing friendships as a pair is often be far more challenging than when you’re a single flying solo.

They can be. Here are several possible scenarios that can set the stage for fractured friendships.

• Your best friend is single and sparks are flying between you and a new guy who promises to be a keeper. You used to spend many hours each week doing girl things together with your friend, commiserating over how hard it was to meet someone like him. Now that you found him, your friendship time is more limited...
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