myth of best friends forever

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m 15 going into tenth grade and I have known my friend since we were in 5th grade and we have always been really close. My mom is her second mom and her mom is my second mom. We have always had the same interest in everything until just recently. It's like we never agree on ANYTHING anymore.

We are so different now. But it’s like it happened over night. I know people change but I didn’t know how fast it could happen. I want us to stay friends forever and all but lately I don’t feel so hyper and happy around her. I feel empty and different and like it’s not the same. So I am just wondering, should I try and "repair" our friendship or do u think it would be best for me to just end it?

Thank you very, very much for reading this. I really do appreciate it. :]

Signed,

Anonymous Teen in Florida

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Teen in Florida,

It always feels bad to drift apart from a bestie with whom you once felt very close. More than likely, however, this turnaround didn't happen overnight. It just feels that way. You are just beginning to realize the differences between you and your friend, and it sounds like they are jumping out at you in living color!

People change all the time---and especially during the teen years when changes can be dramatic. This is a time when our interests and unique personalities emerge, so I'm not too surprised by your story. Even though it's common, it's still disappointing.

Do you think your friend is feeling the same way you do? I suspect that is probably the case.

It might be worthwhile to start a conversation with her and say, “Why do you think we are disagreeing so much? Do you think there is anything we can do to iron out our differences?” It's important to mention that you really treasure all the good times you've had in the past and that you hope you can work things out together.

Be prepared to give her one or two examples of why you are feeling this way. Try not to blame her---say it is something that is affecting you both.

By talking about it, you might gain more insight into what you are feeling and whether or not the friendship can be saved.

If you can't work things out, you just might need to take a breather from each other or maintain a less intense friendship. Next year or the year after, you may find that you are more in sync with one another.

Let me know how it works out.

My best,
Irene

Contrary to the myth of best friends forever, many female friendships don't always turn out the way we hoped they would. The friend who is constantly making one-sided demands of you is one disappointing example.

 

When a close friend is always in need of one thing or another---money, favors, introductions, coddling, praise, or simply more time than you have to give---the relationship begins to grow weary. You feel like you're walking around with an emotional ball and chain around your ankle.

 

The term toxic friendship refers to a variety of relationships that are consistently negative and draining. The nature of these relationships is defined by patterns, not by one-time or occasional lapses in the reciprocity that is the essence of a healthy friendship.

 

Why would anyone put up with a friend like that? It, too, can be explained by the concept of reciprocity. Friendships continue when they are mutually satisfying---even if the relationship is toxic. Many women have a hard time extricating themselves from these relationships. These include:

• People who like to feel needed

• People who feel like they aren't worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships

• People who are stuck---either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend

 

Get real: If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless. Yet it's hard to find a way out. Here are some ways to unload:

1) Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say "no" and setting boundaries (e.g. "Even though we are both single, I don't want to spend every Friday night together" or "I can't have dinners with you after work because I need to get home to my family."')

2) Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of---your mother, your kid or your cat)

3) Slip away - Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory

4) Take a relationship sabbatical, a well-deserved hiatus from the friendship

5) If you've reached the point where you feel there is nothing really to lose, simply cut loose!

 

Get rid of the guilt. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It's likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that's why she is so dependent on you.

 

This blog entry also appeared on the Huffington Post

Besides the letter “L”---what’s the difference between a BFFL (best friend for life) and a BFF (best friend forever)?

When Nathalia Ramos, 15, the actress who plays Yasmin (one of the Mattel dolls that is brought to life in Bratz, the movie) was interviewed by a reporter from the Washington Post she said:

There are biffles and BFFs…A biffle (as in BFFL, or best friend for life) is a fun friend that you phone. A BFF is a best friend forever that you love.

Whether close friendships are for life or forever (let’s not nitpick), the story line of the movie is banal; it’s about four friends of different cultural backgrounds and interests who drift apart during high school, as best friends often do, and come together again (which is less likely to happen).

One critic disses the film (that opened last summer and will be released as a DVD over Thanksgiving) as an “excruciatingly inane high-school comedy inspired by a line of sexually suggestive dolls aimed at 9-year-old girls.”

While the overarching theme of this PG movie is the feel-good and exceedingly important topic of friendship, it’s unfortunate that the film perpetuates myths and stereotypes about young women---casting them as shallow, obsessed with guys, and materialistic---and that it is targeted towards younger girls who are looking for role models.

What miffs me most is that the film helps perpetuate the myth of BFF for another generation.