reader Q & A

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I have a much older friend than myself. She is old enough to be my Mum and I do think of her as a second Mum. We've been through a lot together, and she has fulfilled the gap of being my Mum. I have a family and husband myself but have not been close to my parents. That's another story.

The problem is my friend has been distancing herself from me the last couple of months and I don't really know why. She says she is busy with family and other commitments. I have asked if we could meet up for a face-to-face chat about our relationship but she always says she's busy, however we have been corresponding via e-mail and now our e-mails have become 'messy' and I think I've become misunderstood in what I am trying to say.

I love her dearly and I miss our outings and phone calls. I don't know what to do. I think I have really messed things up or maybe she feels that I'm too demanding. The thing is I don't really know without speaking to her. I think she is trying to give me the brush off without hurting my feelings. I don't want our friendship to end but if it is over I'll have to move on and accept that. Do you have any advice you could give?

Thanks
Alice

ANSWER:

Hi Alice,

When it's nearly impossible to make sense of a situation, it is usually because you are missing a piece of information. Similarly, in your case, you really don't know what is going on, because your "Second Mum' hasn't been willing to share the missing piece of the puzzle with you.

It could be that there are things going on in her life, completely unrelated to you, which are consuming her time or emotions. Or, as you suggest, it could be that you have become too needy or demanding, relying on her too much, and she wants some distance.

Whatever the reasons, it must be frustrating that you can't talk openly with her on the phone or face-to-face, and as you've found, it's very difficult to resolve emotionally charged topics by email.

Could you try writing a letter to her, snail mail, expressing how important the relationship has been to you in the past and how much you value it? You could tell her that you recognize that she wants more space and that you respect her feelings. Then you will have to wait and see what happens. Whatever the outcome, you will have taken an active (and gracious) step in trying to seek conciliation or resolution, and in expressing your love.

Then when you've done that, focus on other people and things in your life so that you aren't completely focused on this loss, which may or may not be permanent.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I hope that it resolves in a way that brings you some closure.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I am a person who has learned to value my female friendships. I've always tended to prefer a one-friend-at-a-time, with a lot of intensity, type of friendship. But it is something I can't seem to find.

Briefly, I had a relationship like the kind I want with a woman who continues to feel like a friend/sister. My "best" friend was someone who lived close by and we had a sister-like relationship (even though I have two sisters!). She felt the same about me and I know she would be there in a heartbeat for me as I would for her. However, she lives three hours away and isn't fond of chatting on the phone.

I have two other friends whom I care about, one who lives 20 minutes away, who both seem totally engrossed in their own lives and rarely contact me. We get together about twice a year. We all have kids who are fairly close in age. One of them was in a serious car accident and I really went out of my way to support her through that time. I find myself resenting that I am the one maintaining the contact and seem to be the one who is "into them"- wanting to go out/get together, to do girls’ nights out, etc.

I can't seem to get the friend thing down without a lot of emotion, longing for more yet not being skillful enough to find it. I am forced to socialize with other parents that I like well enough but can't seem to take any of them to the next level. I get so frustrated that others have a knack that I do not. P.S. You can probably tell that I am not good at small talk! LOL! What I'd like to know is what do others have, what is it that I am missing?

Thanks so much- any ideas will be appreciated.

Starrlife in New England
starrlife.wordpress.com

ANSWER:

Dear Starrlife:

Your situation is actually a very common one: You’re yearning for a best friend and don’t have one at the moment. Friends move (like yours did); get involved in new careers; have children; have fertility problems; get married, divorced or widowed---there are numerous reasons why even very close friendships are prone to change over time. Although you are separated by geography, it’s nice that you have a close friendship to hold up as a measure for the kind you are seeking.

Not to make light of it, finding a best friend is like finding a buyer for a house: You only need one. Your current acquaintances, or mom-friends, are important relationships even though they miss the best-friend mark. Finding a best friend involves 1) meeting someone new, and 2) giving the relationship time to grow and become more intimate---by sharing additional layers of your selves with one another.

You need to create opportunities to find ways to meet new people. Can you get involved in organizations or activities in your local community? Do you have any hobbies? Can you take a continuing education class? Can you join a gym? Are you passionate enough about one political candidate or another that you would like to work on a campaign? Are you involved with the parent teacher association? I realize that your child or children may be young so this will entail finding childcare---either your husband, another relative or a babysitter---for one or two evenings a week. If you need a rationale for yourself---a happy mom is usually a better mom.

In short, you need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. I have no doubt that eventually one or two of these relationships will “stick” and grow into the type of best friendship you want.

Best,
Irene

I have a long time friend who was a single mother just like me when we first met ten years ago. I knew she was a headstrong and opinionated early on and accepted that. However, I’ve always worried a bit about her. She had a traumatic childhood; she was adopted after her mother, a drug addict, who gave her up at the age of 5.

I kept the friendship almost out of pity because I knew she felt she could always turn to me. She loses friends easily due to her tendency to be mean and hurtful. I could write a book about all the hateful things she has said to me and it would take volumes to write all the negatives things she said about my child. I put this aside because she has a good heart in there somewhere. She is very smart, clever and used to be fun, and our friendship centered on getting together to let our kids play. Over the years, I become like an Aunt to her first son.

I went on to get married; she did too. She married for money, clearly stating to me and her family that her life plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids and never ever, ever have to work. This kind of stunned me but I sort of brushed it off. Now, she flaunts her husband's money, and often makes snide remarks about my husband's occupation. She is rude to me, her family, and especially to wait staff, baristas, anyone in the service industry, as if she is a queen. She calls her husband a “meal ticket” and continues to cheat on him, saying she’s not attracted to him. She recently moved away with her family but she hardly spent any time with me before she moved, and I have to say, I was relieved not to spend time with her.

Here is the problem. I had planned to call her after she settled in her new home to finally confront her and let her know we’ve grown apart and that I need to move on. Before I did, her mother called me very upset. When I told her mother, she didn’t even know that Claire had moved. Turns out her entire family is furious with her for becoming a snob, being rude to them all, and excluding them from her life. She had a fight with her mother several months before and they haven’t talked since. The sad thing is her mother has cancer, and because my friend is so self absorbed she doesn’t even know.

I want to pick up the phone and just unleash on this person I used to know! But, I have been asked not to divulge that I spoke to her mother. Yesterday, her brother called and said he wanted me to know that he hates his "ex-sister" and that if I do speak to her that the family is very angry with her. Now I am stuck and have no idea what to do. I am not outraged, more just disappointed and annoyed and ready to move on but I have this nagging feeling that I should confront her before her family members let on that they spoke to me. I just can't find the courage to do it! Please send your suggestions.

Signed,

Anonymous in Florida

____________________________

Dear Anonymous in Florida:

First, you should be congratulated on having such keen insight into your fractured friendship. You realize the factors that brought you and Claire together: sharing the experience of being single moms and your understanding and acceptance of someone who had a hard time in life. You also realize the downsides of the friendship that you initially overlooked but caused it to end.

After each of you married, the vast discrepancy between your values towards marriage/family and Claire’s become obvious. With her new involvements with both a husband and lover---as well as a geographical move---seems like your friendship just took a natural course and drifted apart, which was a fine resolution on both ends. (It’s common to feel like there hasn’t been closure when two people drift apart although it really is a type of closure.)

Then you somehow got involved in discussions with Claire’s family which has indirectly involved you with this toxic person again. I understand how this could easily happen but it was a mistake on your part. There is no need to confront Claire over her transgressions or lack of character or to report them to her family; they are well aware of her foibles. To the contrary, you need to extricate yourself from her family drama. Don’t call her relatives and if they call you again, you can honestly say that you are Claire have parted ways and you really aren’t in touch with her anymore. Her mom’s illness is a sad fact but there is nothing you can do about it.

This fractured friendship has really been over for some time. Unleashing isn't a sign of courage and won't repair what's broken. Now, it’s time for you to more forward and replace it with healthier relationships with people you respect. By the way: Don’t be surprised if you hear from Claire again around the time of her divorce. Hopefully, if that comes to pass, you will be prepared and you’ll be too busy and involved with others---who deserve a friend like you---to get sucked in again.

Hope this helps a little.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t talked. Okay, so here’s the story:

I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th) and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied “What a f**king whore!!!!”

Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh, my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”

Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship for me to even cross).

So on 07/14, I decided to write her:

Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking of the consequences...but you are still my #1.

With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:

I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to talk yet?

Her response 2 minutes later:

Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that emails and texting is the way to go...When you are ready to call me and give me an apology, then we can talk.

My response 30 minutes later:

I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used; there was no malicious attempt. I didn't mean what I said literally. It was just bad choice of words.

She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!

Signed,
Stuck in Sunnyvale

ANSWER:

Dear Stuck in Sunnyvale:

I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.

Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this, having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.

By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your dilemma.

Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset, even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.

Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text or email.

My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know it.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m 15 going into tenth grade and I have known my friend since we were in 5th grade and we have always been really close. My mom is her second mom and her mom is my second mom. We have always had the same interest in everything until just recently. It's like we never agree on ANYTHING anymore.

We are so different now. But it’s like it happened over night. I know people change but I didn’t know how fast it could happen. I want us to stay friends forever and all but lately I don’t feel so hyper and happy around her. I feel empty and different and like it’s not the same. So I am just wondering, should I try and "repair" our friendship or do u think it would be best for me to just end it?

Thank you very, very much for reading this. I really do appreciate it. :]

Signed,

Anonymous Teen in Florida

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous Teen in Florida,

It always feels bad to drift apart from a bestie with whom you once felt very close. More than likely, however, this turnaround didn't happen overnight. It just feels that way. You are just beginning to realize the differences between you and your friend, and it sounds like they are jumping out at you in living color!

People change all the time---and especially during the teen years when changes can be dramatic. This is a time when our interests and unique personalities emerge, so I'm not too surprised by your story. Even though it's common, it's still disappointing.

Do you think your friend is feeling the same way you do? I suspect that is probably the case.

It might be worthwhile to start a conversation with her and say, “Why do you think we are disagreeing so much? Do you think there is anything we can do to iron out our differences?” It's important to mention that you really treasure all the good times you've had in the past and that you hope you can work things out together.

Be prepared to give her one or two examples of why you are feeling this way. Try not to blame her---say it is something that is affecting you both.

By talking about it, you might gain more insight into what you are feeling and whether or not the friendship can be saved.

If you can't work things out, you just might need to take a breather from each other or maintain a less intense friendship. Next year or the year after, you may find that you are more in sync with one another.

Let me know how it works out.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I love your blog (well, love it AND hate it, because I see myself in too many of these posts!). You concentrate on "fractured friendships" and right now I'm feeling low because the Sex and the City movie is about to appear in theaters...my favorite series, and I have no gal pal to go with.

While others are organizing SATC movie parties, my two best girl friends long ago "fractured" (well, they were complete breaks) our friendships. One was my girlfriend since high school days who was my maid-of-honor, and lives far away from me; the second, a more local gal who took her place, and then gave up on me over a year ago. Inboth instances, they ended the longtime friendship because they disapproved of my having an affair (an affair that's lasted longer than either of these friendships, I might add...over 20 years). I never put any limits on my friendships with women OR with men; I love them for who they are, both the good and the bad traits. I don't judge.

But now with the SATC movie out, I guess I'll just have to go alone to a matinee andgrin and bear it. I even asked my (woman) hairdresser yesterday when I was getting a haircut/color if she wanted to go with me (she's half my age, and we are friendly but not quite "friends") and she replied she "hates going to movie theaters." [Darn those Gen Xers!]

Just wanted to bring this to your attention. This can be tough for women sufferingfrom "fractured friendship syndrome.” I have plenty of male friends -- much to my husband's chagrin -- none of whom would be caught dead in that movie theater with me next Friday! Keep up the good work.

Signed, Anonymous

ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks so much for reading my blog and sending your note.

Sounds like you are experiencing a friendship deficit, something that many women experience from time to time. It's been there but reading my post about Sex and the City probably made you more aware of it. That's good! Now you know you want to make more new friends. And just like relationships with men, you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you meet a prince.

Not wanting to see the movie with you doesn't mean your hairdresser rejected you. Instead, it may suggest that the person you selected may be a poor fit for you. I find that I have a hard time being friends with people who don't laugh at Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld, two of my favorite TV shows. It's not a fatal flaw but often is suggestive that there may be too many differences between me and someone else to be really close to one another. I do think that you can tell a lot about a friend by the entertainment she likes.

My suggestion would be to go see the movie alone. I'm sure you won't be the only "single" there. Sit next to someone else who is alone and start up a conversation. If you can't find an empty seat that fits the bill, having seen the movie will still serve as fodder for conversation with another potential female friend.

You seem to have no problem making male friends so you certainly have the relationship skills you need. Just put yourself in more situations with other women and give your relationships time to grow.

My best,
Irene

Might it be time to call it quits?

QUESTION:

My best friend is finally dumping her jerk husband of more than a decade and I'm glad about that but it's all wearing me to a nub.

Her frenzied dating is making me nuts. She talks about her boyfriends constantly, and about how many men are chasing her. She is convinced her life will be right back on track when she has a boyfriend, even though the divorce isn't even final yet.

She's really into psychotherapy which I hope might help her. I think she needs to stabilize before she gets involved with anyone but who am I to say? I don't know how to be supportive, honest, and not make my tongue bleed by biting it all at the same time.

I used to think that when she finally got away from her husband, who was emotionally abusive, she would grow into the woman she could be and our friendship would deepen. Now I just don't know. I'm feeling distant from her and irritated.

Please help!
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time supporting your BFF’s choices almost as long as you’ve known her but you deluded yourself into thinking her rotten choice of mate was circumstantial: that she simply picked the wrong guy and had a hard time getting out of it.

In large part, people choose their circumstances, and if they don’t because they’ve fallen into them by mistake, they do have the free will to change them. Eighteen years of abuse must have eroded your friend’s self-esteem completely. What half-normal person would put up with all that stuff for that long?
Admittedly, this is probably a very difficult time for your BFF. She must worry about whether she will eventually land on the ground with both feet standing---and you may be wondering the same thing about her too!

Being indiscriminately “boy-crazy” diverts a woman from thinking about their own life (How do I know? Been there, done thatJ). Her interest in psychotherapy suggests that on some level, she would like to find her true self.

But let’s get back to you. It’s impossible to support a friend when you consistently don’t support her choices, unless she has other qualities that outweigh the negative ones. The value of every female friendship is determined by how well it meets our needs---I like to call this the concept of reciprocity. Friendships usually work when two friends feel like they are giving each other more---or at least as much---as they are getting. Sounds like this one isn’t working for you.

In this circumstance, what are your choices? You can leave things as they are and bite your tongue (but I think you are having a problem doing that or you wouldn’t have written to me). You can tell her things she isn’t ready to hear. Or there is one more approach that I think is the most prudent. I suggest that you take a friendship sabbatical.

You need to step back and give your friend time to work things out---and you need to give yourself time to think about whether the friendship is worth the angst. You can tell your friend that you need some time and space for yourself but you really care about her and what she is going through. In the meantime, spend more time with other friends and see if they can fill the deficit. Let me know what you decide and how it goes.

Best, Irene