Washington Post

Remember me? I introduced myself and welcomed you to Chappaqua in a letter that appeared in The Washington Post in 1999. You even took the time to acknowledge it, writing me a personal note afterwards. Like other neighbors in our small leafy hamlet (the way it’s referred to disparagingly in the press), we never really got to know each other.

 

Actually, we did speak briefly on three occasions that I am more likely to remember than you---at your book-signing for Living History at the Chappaqua Library sponsored by Second Story Bookshop (our independent bookseller); at a talk you gave for the Wise Wonderful Women of Westchester (held at Temple Beth El); and at a presentation you made at the Crabtree’s Kittle House restaurant sponsored by Second Shift (an organization of career-moms in Chappaqua struggling with work/life balance issues).

 

Admittedly, you’ve accumulated quite a few frequent flyer miles and haven’t had the chance to be here as often as you or I would have liked. As often happens in small leafy hamlets like Chappaqua (and enormous virtual social networking sites like LinkedIn), you only recognize many neighbors by sight and know people who know them (If it helps with the introduction, you’re a friend of my some of my friends).

 

As an aside, I might add that from the time you first moved to Westchester County and were immediately bestowed with a welcoming carpetbagger label, both you and the President have been wonderful citizens and neighbors. My now 20-year-old son, Andrew, heard you speak about citizenship at the Robert E. Bell Middle School and couldn't wait until he was old enough to vote.

 

By the time he got to high school, you were splitting your time between here and Washington, DC as our U.S. Senator and he had the privilege of being in the audience as your husband addressed the entire school body in the gymnasium at Horace Greeley High School. You’ve consistently marched down King Street in our Memorial Day parades, appeared at local benefits for various health and social causes (without any fanfare or efforts to turn it into a media event), and have made other quiet but significant, non-public contributions as a townie.

 

I think you got shafted in the primaries from every side. But then you’ve been a lightening rod for critics and naysayers ever since I first knew you (once removed) and you’ve been strong and committed enough to take it. I’m writing to remind you that there are many women in town like me who have profound respect for the road you’ve paved for your daughter and other women’s daughters. We appreciate your intellect, tenacity, and your love for your family, community and country.

 

I’m writing now because everyone knows that losing isn’t easy, particularly when you’ve worked so hard and the loss is so public. It has to take the wind out of your sails, at least for the summer. You need a friend’s shoulder.

 

Ironically, I’m completing a book about female friendships and I have never been so lonely---you and I both know what it’s like putting off friendships to focus on work. I recognize through my research and personal experience that you are a prime candidate for a condition that I call female friendship deficit disorder.

 

Women with this disorder simply don’t have enough time for female friendships---even though we recognize how vital these relationships are to our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. At this point you might be saying, “It’s kind of like sleep. We know we should get more of it, but there simply isn’t enough time!”

 

But when you do have more time, all of a sudden that hole in your life hits you hard. You’re in your house alone and feel awkward picking up the phone to call a friend whom you haven’t talked to in months or years. In short, I’d love you to come over to my house to chat over soft-scrambled eggs (which you say is a favorite of yours on your MySpace page) and a cup of cappuccino---or a glass of red wine with cheese and chocolate if it’s later in the day.

 

Leave your pantsuit home and come casually-dressed. We’ll share feelings, laugh and enjoy the beauty of spring in the Hudson Valley. We might talk about the challenges of taking care of aging moms or raising only-children, but I promise we won’t talk about politics, husbands or the state of healthcare in America. Do you need a female friend?

With warm wishes,

Irene

 

"She'll have no shortage of people wanting to be there for her," says one of Silda's friends quoted in the Washington Post. But will her friends know how to be there for her?
When something lousy happens to a friend, it often leaves us at a loss for words.

That's why I'm writing this open letter to all of Friends of Silda Spitzer (FOSSs) and to other women who may find themselves with friends in painful circumstances. Whether you're her friend or not, the heart of every woman reaches out to Silda and her teenage daughters when we saw that look on her face.

But it's not an exaggeration to say that if you live long enough, most of us know someone who has suddenly been thrust into a personal hell that is a deeper one than she can climb out of by herself. It may have happened to you or one of your close friends.

The first lady of New York has been described as brilliant, accomplished and wealthy. But like ordinary women, right now she has to be awash in a morass of painful emotions. Her needs are not too different than the immigrant single-mother who suddenly loses her below-minimum wage job; the woman whose husband has been accused of incompetence by his employer; the mother whose child has been expelled from school for using drugs; or the middle-age woman who has just lost a parent or received a life-threatening diagnosis.

At times like this, women hope they will be surrounded by female friends with whom they can talk openly, express anger, or even just cry. Silda can't unload the depth of her hurt to her teenage daughters, and she can't possibly restrain the anger and disappointment she must feel towards her husband who showed a terrible lapse in judgment. Isn't that what friends are for?

Yet, situations like this often place friends in an uncomfortable situation, not knowing exactly what to say or do. Here are a few tips for how to be there for your female friend in trying times:

Be there

Circle around her but don't impose yourself. Find a subtle, non-obtrusive way to let her know you are there if and when she wants to talk. If you know she is a CrackBerry addict, send her an email or text her. If you generally are phone friends, you may want to reach out and touch her by telephone.

Be sensitive to the cues about whether she is ready to talk or is simply too overwhelmed. Remember that a warm note---an old-fashioned snail mail one written in your own handwriting that says "I'm thinking of you"---always feels heartfelt.

Don't make the embarrassment seem larger than life. "I'm always amazed how many people just simply don't treat the person the same as they did two weeks ago," says Peter Shankman, CEO of the Geek Factory, whose firm often gets called in to assist with crisis management. "I'm sure Silda would kill for a friend to call and say ‘Hey, let's grab brunch.'"

Listen, don't tell

Don't ask too many questions or pry. Instead express your feelings: presumably that that you feel for her, care for her and her family, and want to be there anyway you can. There are times when a hug means more than words.

Ask her if she wants you to be with her or if you can do anything concrete to help her out (I assume Silda has a kitchen staff but other people may appreciate a home-cooked casserole left at the door.)

Don't ask her why she was standing there. In fact, don't try to second guess the reasons for any friend's decisions while she is in a reactive crisis mode. (Think about it: You never really know what you would choose to do if you were in standing in her stilettos.) Interpersonal relationships are complex and hard to understand from the outside. It takes time for a woman to work through her feelings and allegiances during and after a crisis.

Give her the gift of time

If she declines contact, give her some space and try again a few days later. Shock and/or depression make it difficult to accept help.

This also isn't the time to rile against whomever you perceive to be the perpetrator of your friend's pain. As hypocritical or reprehensible as you may feel the other person to be, your friend needs to reach that conclusion by herself.

Honesty trumps eloquence

Even if you are struggling with what to say and how to say it, never pretend not to know what happened. Of course, in Silda's case, you would have had to be living in a cave. But whatever the situation, it's always better to do something rather than nothing.

Based on online survey of more than 1300 women, Irene is writing a book about female friendships called The Myth of Best Friends Forever (Overlook Press, January 2009).

The long-hyped premiere of Lipstick Jungle is scheduled for 10PM EST tonight on NBC. Following on the heels of Sex and the City by the same writer (Candace Bushnell), the show is described as a tale of three female friends in NYC who are a little older, wiser, wealthier and successful than the Sex and the City babes---but who are still juggling their personal and high-powered professional lives.

I’ll be watching this evening to see what I can learn about female friendships. Are the Tres Amigas good friends, close friends, best friends? Are any of their relationships toxic? How do they balance friendship and work? Friendship and romance? How intimate are their relationships? Here are excerpts from some of the critic’s reviews (which have been mixed), which I've selected because they focus on the show’s take on female friendships.

Shoe-Savvy Friends Against the City
New York Times Review by Allessandra Stanley

The women are one another’s confidantes and best friends in a nasty world teeming with younger, envious rivals and vengeful enemies.

Lipstick Jungle
Los Angeles Times Review by Mary McNamara

Here's Wendy Healy (Brooke Shields), the nicest movie executive you'll ever meet (she doesn't even swear), dutifully struggling to fill her roles as deal maker, mommy, wife and BFF. Needless to say, she's on the phone a lot.

The creators seem to think their show is saying something new, only it's not really clear what that is. That women can be just as power hungry or libidinous as men? Or female friendship trumps every other relationship save motherhood? Or it's tough to be a working mother? If this show had run 10 years ago, maybe. But now?

Lipstick Jungle: NBC's Thick Application of Gloss
Washington Post Review by Tom Shales

Now and then, the three dear friends meet -- on a rooftop, say, or for lunch at the inevitable trendy eatery, or to take a walk in Toronto (which appears to be playing New York City again). Their get-togethers might include deep thoughts on a woman's plight in the modern world…

Please comment. What did you think about the show? Are these real friendships or ideal ones?

Besides the letter “L”---what’s the difference between a BFFL (best friend for life) and a BFF (best friend forever)?

When Nathalia Ramos, 15, the actress who plays Yasmin (one of the Mattel dolls that is brought to life in Bratz, the movie) was interviewed by a reporter from the Washington Post she said:

There are biffles and BFFs…A biffle (as in BFFL, or best friend for life) is a fun friend that you phone. A BFF is a best friend forever that you love.

Whether close friendships are for life or forever (let’s not nitpick), the story line of the movie is banal; it’s about four friends of different cultural backgrounds and interests who drift apart during high school, as best friends often do, and come together again (which is less likely to happen).

One critic disses the film (that opened last summer and will be released as a DVD over Thanksgiving) as an “excruciatingly inane high-school comedy inspired by a line of sexually suggestive dolls aimed at 9-year-old girls.”

While the overarching theme of this PG movie is the feel-good and exceedingly important topic of friendship, it’s unfortunate that the film perpetuates myths and stereotypes about young women---casting them as shallow, obsessed with guys, and materialistic---and that it is targeted towards younger girls who are looking for role models.

What miffs me most is that the film helps perpetuate the myth of BFF for another generation.