widow

Epilogue (HarperCollins, 2008) is a gripping memoir by National Book Award finalist Anne Roiphe, who was forced to recompose her life after the sudden loss of her husband of 39 years. With compelling candor, Ms. Roiphe shares the intimate memories of her happy marriage and the uncertainties of her life as a new widow. In Booklist, critic Carol Haggas writes, "No one can really prepare a woman for this passage in life, but Roiphe's luminous memoir is a beacon of help, and ultimately hope."

 

After reading this provocative book, I mulled over its lessons, some of which touch on female friendships, and was thrilled when Ms. Roiphe graciously agreed to expound on some of her thoughts on that topic in an email interview.

 

Roiphe is the author of fifteen books and has written for the New York Times, the New York Observer, Vogue, Elle, Redbook, Parents and The Guardian, and is a contributing editor to the Jerusalem Report.

 

Levine:
In the book, you mention an old friend who called to offer her condolences and said, "I wouldn't want to be in your shoes." How can women better support each other in times of grief? Are there any words or actions that might be more soothing?

Roiphe:
I guess the trick would be to avoid any phrase that sounds like pity or condescension, or gloating about one's own life. The simple words would be, 'It must be hard" or "I can imagine how difficult that must be," etc.

Levine:
After your husband H.'s death, you seemed to focus on meeting men rather than women. You seem to be more tolerant of their foibles than those of your female friends'. Can you explain that?

Roiphe:
I have many women friends who I talk to often and see often. I was interested in a man who might be more than a friend, but a real companion in life that includes physical connection... That is harder.

 

Levine:
You talk about a "sisterhood of widowhood" to describe the kinship of women who have experienced the loss of a spouse. Do you regret not nurturing female friendships more during the years before H.'s death? Do women need bonds like these to fall back on?

Roiphe:
I think it is a good thing to have woman friends at every stage of life, we confide in each other, we support each other, we understand each other most of the time. Of course, sometimes we are competitive or angry or distant too. But I do think it is important not to let the main friendships slip away in the sweep of the days.

Levine:
In the book, you mention a fractured friendship with your friend Y. that you made efforts to rekindle. What are your thoughts about being rebuffed? Was it you, your friend, or some combination?

Roiphe:
I am not a perfect friend and it is impossible not to rebuff or be rebuffed if you move about the world. I wrote about this not to accuse but to say this is part of it...sometimes you put out your hand and it isn't taken.

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

Perhaps no event is as life-changing as the death of a spouse. After my friend and colleague journalist Mickey Goodman of Marietta, Georgia lost her husband Phil, she never realized that the loss would have such an enormous impact on her female friendships. It simply threw amny of them into a tailspin.

Mickey graciously shared her reflections which are abstracted from a longer essay and printed below:

There are books, pamphlets and web sites devoted to practical matters that must be dealt with following the death of a spouse: advice on attorneys, wills, insurance policies, retirement, social security, bank accounts, ad nauseum. There is no advice on dealing with people who crush your spirit.

When a friend from my teaching days who had also lost her husband approached me after my husband's funeral, I expected a life preserver. Instead, she threw me an anchor. You have to join my group, she said. We call ourselves the Merry Widows.

Who knew that once close couple-friends would suddenly stop calling or that another would advise me not to continue in the couple’s book club because I would be more ‘comfortable’ among women? I never dreamed that the husband of an acquaintance would sidle up to me, wink and say, “If you ever get lonesome all alone at night, just call me on my cell phone, any time.”

In contrast, so many friends soared with the angels. The neighborhood dinner club brought mountains of food, (wo)manned the house while we were at the funeral and cleaned up afterward and left enough meals in the freezer to last for weeks. My next-door neighbor still calls frequently to check on me. Phil’s buddies have initiated me into the Monday lunch bunch.

Though I'll never become truly accustomed to the single life, I'm thankful for many wonderful new friends and a closer relationship with others. My children were (and are) my sustenance, my seven young grandchildren, dessert. And my life marches on to a different beat.

To read more of Mickey’s work, go to: www.mickeygoodman.com